Every December, I go to the mall to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what I want for Christmas. I'm a hack, a nobody, a silly peasant hoping Saint Nick truly understands my holiday wishes. Unfortunately, I feel they get lost in the shuffle. When I awaken Christmas morning, I find nothing I so longingly asked for. It's clear I continuously fail to impress him.
But how am I going to stand out in a room full of schmucks asking for iPhones and Stanley water bottles if I comply with the rules? Wait in line, hop on the big man's hefty thighs, and whisper my Christmas desires. There is no way ol' Kris Kringle is going to remember what I asked for… until now. This holiday season, he is going to remember my name.
Yep, this Christmas, I'm going to straddle one of the elves.
I know it sounds crazy, taking a seat on one of Santa's helpers, but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. They spend all day hoisting howling children onto his lap and dealing with exasperated teenagers failing to appease their mothers. And what do these courageous heroes have to show for it? Certainly not the credit they deserve. Nobody runs home, eager to tell their family and friends the wonderful time they spent with the elves; it's all about Santa.
If you ask me, it simply isn't fair.
Have I mentioned their uniform? Oversized slippers with a pointed toe, bedazzled with a rusty bell; striped tights meant to restrict circulation; and a ridiculous hat designed to inflict shame and humiliation. It's disgusting. I can barely make eye contact for fear I will melt into a blubbering puddle. I cannot just stand by and do nothing. I'm an ally, and I must do what is right. I must sit upon their lap and tell them my Christmas dreams.
This is why I am taking a stand for elves everywhere. Sure, I may receive a few confused and concerning looks from other mall-goers, but that's a risk I'm willing to take for this marginalized community. It is my duty to protect the Christmas elf reputation. If not me, then who?
I am a proud member of several Mall Santa Facebook forums and not one person has discussed this pressing issue. Not a single one.
You're probably curious about the consequences for my actions. Believe me, I have considered every possible punishment that awaits me. Best case scenario, my new friend pulls me in for a warm embrace and thanks me for my kindness. Worst case scenario, I am taken away in handcuffs as I hold my head up high. I refuse to be humiliated when these poor elves suffer a shameful existence every day. I will not allow my pride to stand in the way of what I believe is right.
What is my plan of attack, you ask? How will I turn my words into action? Well, the best way to approach the situation is with the tact and delicacy it requires. I will simply march in, past the eager children and make my way to the unsuspecting elf. At first, they may seem confused, but as I sit them down, I predict they will know what comes next. Once they have settled into their seat, I will climb onto their lap and pull them in close. They will be the one to hold my utmost Christmas secrets—not Santa. He has stood in the spotlight for too long. It is time he shared it with someone else.
Do not worry for me, I beg of you. This plan is foolproof, I promise. Now, go enjoy your time with Santa. If you need me, I will be making an elf's dream come true.