By contributing writer James White
Global warming kicks ass. Many people may have seen Al Gore’s movie An Inconvenient Truth and think differently, but this is a mistake, for several reasons. First of all, watching a movie without pervasive foul language, explicit sex, or gratuitous violence is a complete waste of time. If you’re browsing the A-C section of Hollywood Video and you see An Inconvenient Truth two rows above Cheerleader Massacre, you should begin preparations for an evening of big-breasted carnage. Second, when one college student invites another over to “watch a movie,” it really means, “How would you like to come to my dorm, watch 15 minutes of Swimfan, and then give me a beej?” Finally, Al Gore sucks. He has no presence, no charisma, and is not a captivating public speaker. The man lost an election to George W. Bush. Say what you want about the popular vote or the Electoral College—the point is they’re on the same level. It’s like going to an all-retard adoption clinic… you can’t win.
As the world gets warmer each year, a lot of good things are going to happen. Girls will trend towards a perpetual state of heightened nudity, people will wear more deodorant, and penguins will be forced to migrate to America, adapt to our climate, and do our bidding. We will also see the elimination of “beer chills,” the physiological phenomenon whereby people fail to notice the effects of the cold on their immune system during periods of extreme intoxication, and wake up extremely sick as a result. This happens because the combination of alcohol and cold weather causes heat to leave the body through the skin. This makes the subject feel warm, when in reality, he or she is losing heat and getting colder. This breaks down the immune system and makes the subject more susceptible to disease. If you’ve ever woken up from a night of bad decisions, and found your hangover accompanied by advanced sickness, you’ve probably already been a victim of beer chills. If two weeks pass and symptoms persist, congratulations, you have AIDS.
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The elimination of beer chills is not the only reason to pray for global warming. Numerous faults in the whole coat check system also contribute to the general circumstance of college students being ill-prepared for current weather conditions. A typical coat check costs anywhere between three and five dollars, money better spent on a beer, condoms, or pizza. If you do decide to cough up the cash, then you’ll have to deal with the coat check girl. Coat check girls are often hot, but always incompetent. That being said, their promiscuity is well-documented. As much fun as it is to watch this girl scurry around the coatroom like a freshman looking for her cell phone, in the time it takes her to find your coat you could probably walk to Guam. Checking your coat may seem like a good idea when you get to the bar, but the fat girl from accounting may seem like a good idea by the time you leave. As bad as it sucks to wake up next to a bear fresh out of hibernation, having to do the walk of shame in a t-shirt because you forgot your coat at the bar is marginally worse. Global warming could render coat-check skanks obsolete. As for the drunken desire to wrangle a wildebeest, you’re on your own.
Now that we’re all on board with global warming, you may find yourself asking several questions, like “How can I help move this along?” “It’s cold, what should I do in the mean time?” “Where do I get my penguin?” These are all valid inquiries. To start, you can avoid the cold walk to the bar by driving there in your SUV. Rolling around in an SUV makes you feel like a drug dealer, and everyone knows drugs are cool. You should also be sure to include Blow and Scarface on your Facebook list of favorite movies; everyone else is doing it. If your friends ask for a ride, tell them to drive themselves. When they complain to you about suspended licenses, DUIs, and killing kids on bicycles at the Mickey D’s drive-thru, you’ll know you did your part to save the environment. This selfless action will make the bar crawl warmer for your children, and your children’s children. If the heat in your car doesn’t work, either hot box it or microwave a Hot Pocket and bring it along for the ride. Either one will take your mind off the cold. The hot box and the Hot Pocket: both make you feel warm inside, both slang for vagina. Coincidence? Doubtful.
It is plain to see that global warming is a good thing. For those of you who still believe that global warming is a convoluted theory that holds no value in the real world, there’s not much to say besides “you’re a fucking moron.” You are amongst the progressive thinkers who believe the gays are responsible for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina happened because God sneezed, and every time you masturbate Jesus crucifies a Koala Bear. Fist yourself. For the rest of us, rather than fearing global warming as an impending disaster, look to it as proof of a brighter, warmer tomorrow. There is one inconvenient truth about the whole thing though: once global warming comes full circle, the nip-on will be lost to us forever. Rest in peace my friend. We shared many good times and my thoughts are with you always.