God Puts “Religion” Up for Review

God,

You came to us at Thumbstopping & StoppingThumbs for a rebrand. A little refresh on the once iconic, but now diminishing brand you founded as “Religion.” With the number of Americans without a religious affiliation quadrupling within the last 30 years, a major change is needed. A change that, as your keen eye has identified, your current agency consistently misses the mark on.

We’ve gone ahead and laid out a simple comms strategy. Just ten simple pillars we advise implementing immediately to engage the millennial audience, and save Religion from becoming culturally irrelevant forever.

Influencers: You’re currently pooling your resources into the wrong people. Jesus? 12 followers is not an influencer. The buddha refuses to even use technology, and Krishna never makes appearances. We’ll swap them out with some of our fan favorites: Chrissy Teigen, the Fat Jew, and Minecraftboy2004, who all carry much larger cultural impact.
Ash Wednesday is a big one that needs to change. Millennials are increasingly concerned with skincare, and ash is notorious for clogging pores. This Q3, we’ll say bye-bye to ash and hello to Contour Saturdays. Perfect for right before a big night out too.
Your priests will no longer wear white. They’ll wear Off-White. It’s fashion.
The sitting in church thing? Horrible. Our studies conclude that youths prefer waiting on-line to sitting any day. We propose moving Sunday services from indoors, to outdoors where churchgoers can spend anywhere from 2.5-7 hours waiting on-line. For what? No one really knows. But that’s part of the hype.
Speaking of lines, on Thursdays we’ll drop our new rosary collabs. We suggest starting with someone fashionable to keep your brand relevant. You know, someone like Louis Vuitton or an up-and-coming designer if you’re looking to cut some budgets. We can call in our street team for further references if you’d like.
We revised the concept of “eternal damnation” and suggest referring to it as “be cool bro.”
The whole Bible thing… reading is so 1200 BC. Your book would receive wider exposure as a mixtape. Picture it: that New New Testament. Let’s recruit the most relevant rappers in the game to mumble your proverbs. We’re shooting for a Grammy win God. Call us ambitious, we’re just that good.
All donations to any church will be funneled into a ‘zine collective specializing in images of food against harshly lit pastel backgrounds.
The Bible script typeface is getting a little played out. Do they even teach cursive anymore? We'll swap it out for a nice Futura, or even a simple Helvetica. Minimalism. It’s trending, trust us.
The whole heaven thing is a tad inaccessible. We’re relocating you from the clouds to The Cloud.