The Greatest Sexual Theory of All Time

Hello, world. I’ve got this theory and I’m about to blow your mind.

THE THEORY: If you do something sexual with somebody, you should forever be able to get to that point again with them any time you want, assuming you both are single.

Sound confusing? It’s not.

For example, say you dated a girl when you were little. You made out, maybe got to second base (“Hooray!” you thought when this first happened, just to jog your beer-killed memory). Now, if you happen to run into this girl down the road five, even ten years later, you should be able to get just as far with her “just for fun.” That’s right, merely because you two are single and you’ve already done it before, you should be able to do it again. No feelings involved, just a time-machine trip back to 7th grade all over again.

In an effort to help jog your memory of past sexual adventures, here’s a handy guide to the lingo you used to identify these experiences, as well as your current methods.

So, this theory also goes for the girl you dated in high school, and the hookups you’ve had in college. If somehow we all figured out a way to make this the acceptable way of living, we’d all be much happier (albeit a little more STD-ridden, but hey, as they say, STDs are the fruit of life). As long as you don’t progress past the initial stopping point you reached in the past, you’re golden.

Think about it, this may be the greatest sexual theory of all time. Read it again: If you do something sexual with somebody, you should forever be able to get to that point again with them any time you want, assuming you both are single.

(Note to Women: Good news! This also corresponds to non-sexual activities! Say you and Mark once went bungee jumping together. If you ever feel the need to jump again, by all means take him along. But, try to get him to base jump after you’re done bungeeing, well, then you’re just being a bitch.)

Let’s face it, when you’re single, all that’s going through your mind, at every waking moment, is exactly two questions:

1. How can I get some ass around here?
2. Give me some ass.

So, by this philosophy, all single guys and girls who have dated each other in the past have carte blanche to call each other up and pick up where they left off, whether it was weeks, months, or years ago. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that emotional feelings fade over time. This works well with this new theory, considering it would probably creep the hell out of your ex-girlfriend if she ever spotted a tear of remembrance running down your cheek as you squeeze the butt you once called “the butt of an angel.” (You were an idiot back then.) But I digress.

The beautiful thing about this is that physical feelings don’t die out between people, ever. If you’ve had sex with a girl, nothing could change the fact that you would—in a heartbeat—have sex with her again. …With the exception of “Car Crash Girl.” Car Crash Girl is the girl you dated a long time ago who regressed so much that the only logical thing you can tell yourself is, “Oh man, she must’ve been in some terrible car accident.” See, this way, if your buddies catch a glimpse of “Little Miss ’91 Camry into a Telephone Pole,” you can rest easy saying, “Ah, she was quite the looker before the horrific crash!”

And your buddies will nod understandingly.

Partly because they know you’re lying, and will rag on you about it later.

But mostly because they too once felt your pain of seeing an ex-girlfriend and realizing she has, over time, morphed into some kind of girl/wolf hybrid.

So, here's the plan: We all spread around this theory, and then we live like kings. The freedom to hookup with ex-girlfriends and -boyfriends and old bar makeouts and one night stands and the “I’ve-made-a-huge-mistakes” are what America should be all about.

I mean, come on, what is this, Iraq?