If you are reading this article, you are living breathing proof that a wacky headline draws attention.* Unless someone is forcing you to read this.
Maybe someone is holding your eyelids open and forcing you to stare at this article. But you don't have to READ it. You could just let your eyes go out of focus. Try it.
Or maybe this person has a gun to your head and is making you read it out loud. In that case… YOU STUPID GUN MAN! I HATE YOU! STOP MAKING ME READ THIS OR I COULD GET ANGRY!
If you have made it this far, your captor obviously has a good sense of humor. Maybe you should hire HIM to write your headlines. He just might be crazy enough to bring you some serious business prospects.
Here are some headline ideas that will work for any business:
What to Wear to a Kidnapping
When is it Not OK to Kill Someone's Pet Parrot?
Death and Taxes Tie the Knot
How to Get Over a Crush(ed Boyfriend)
Shut Up Stupid Face Head
Why do I even write these articles when no one even reads the headlines? Yes, even you, not even you are reading this right now!
How to Fake a Heart Attack When You are Actually Having a Stroke
The reason I say they can work for any business is because it doesn't matter what the actual content of the article is as long as you FORCE people to read it.
For instance: What headline could you use if you want to sell knitting supplies to American widows over 60? Try the one about the kidnapping. American widows over 60 can't resist reading about kidnapping. Then, when you have their attention, you can write your boring article about how your yarn has six more feet per roll, and how 13% of those surveyed always end up making sweaters too tight because they’re afraid of running out.
I could go on and on, but I will have mercy on you. By now I’m sure you have depleted your sweat gland reserves and have probably resorted to crying and urinating yourself to keep your cool.
* The article could have ended way back after the first sentence and I would have made my point. I am glad you read the rest of the article though. Remind me to thank your gun wielding captor.