Okay babe, hear me out. I was hoping… we could try some experimenting? Ya know, in the bedroom? I know, I know, typical guy alert! I was just wondering how you might feel about… a twosome?
No! Of course I love our current routine of separate, unreported masturbation while the other person's asleep! I realize I'm already a very lucky man.
But we've been married for a while now and it's always been my fantasy to make love to a woman, well, one-on-one. A ménage à deux, so to speak. After all, the only thing better than sex with nobody is sex with somebody.
By the way, in case it wasn't obvious, I was thinking it'd be guy-girl. But I'm open to girl-guy!
I know what you're thinking. “Who's the second person gonna be?” Well, I have the perfect lady in mind… you! We're spouses, so no one's gonna get jealous. And you're healthy as an ox!
Believe me, I'm nervous too. I'm a complete novice when it comes to this out-there fetish-y stuff. Frankly, twosomes sound really hard! I have to worry about me and you? It’s like rubbing your belly while patting your head.
But I think it’s worth it. I know this sounds crazy, but I honestly think having a twosome could bring us closer together. It'll be awkward at first. Two people, both naked, trying to figure out who makes the first move. But eventually, it'll feel just like pleasuring ourselves over the toilet—completely natural.
Here's the other big question people have. What does the second person do when the first person's having sex with them? Like, “um, excuse me, someone's a little bored over here!” But I've been doing some research, and if one person's having sex, the other person can have sex back at them. Like at the same time! There's even a bunch of positions just for two-people sex!
I know, it's a little scary. A two-way? I didn't go to a party school. I've never done anything that kinky before. Like I'm not a virgin, but if the standard for virginity is having real sex on a somewhat regular basis, then I am absolutely a virgin.
If it helps, Jim and Tanya next door had one! Well, he inquired about my sex life at last week's BBQ, and I told him I had a fairly standard routine of practicing self-love while precariously balancing my phone on the sink. I assumed he'd say “yeah, same,” but he didn't! He said he has twosomes once a week! I don't believe it's that often, but still, he's done them!
Then he told me all the wild stuff you can do during twosomes… body kissing… wrist grabbing… staring into eyes that aren't just yours in the mirror. There's all sorts of surprises! This can be us, baby!
And I haven't even mentioned the best part. No flushing!
But listen, the last thing I want to do is pressure you. In fact, we may just not be cut out for a twosome. Twosome guys are different. They wear jeans without a belt. They have firm, dry handshakes. They swim shirtless for God’s sake! On second thought, maybe this was a bad idea, let's pretend I didn't ask.
I'll be right back, I gotta go to the bathroom for five and a half minutes with my headphones. Love you!