The holidays are here at last! You’ve been waiting all year to see your distant relatives and enjoy a home-cooked meal.
More importantly, you’ve been waiting to see your cousin, Derek, undoubtedly the hottest member of your family. You don’t know how or when it happened, but Derek grew up, and you’re taking notice.
Here are some foolproof ways to get through Christmas dinner without letting your cousin know you’re trying to fuck.
Compliment Everyone But Him
Your family is a bunch of gross gargoyles, but not today. Today, Aunt Barb’s new bangs are “really cute” and Grandpa’s psoriasis “doesn’t look that bad.” Even Cousin Michelle’s cystic acne has “really cleared up since Easter.”
When you greet Derek, save the compliment, but be cordial. Smile as you tell him, ”You are a year older.”
Open Tinder
Grab a seat next to Derek at the dinner table, and bring your phone with you.
When Uncle Bob leads the family in grace, take the opportunity to open Tinder for some discreet, under-the-table swiping, but still visible to Derek. You want to show him that you’re a hot commodity, and definitely not trying to fuck him.
Make sure you’re swiping the obvious nines and tens so he knows you have standards, but throw a couple swipes to the threes and fours to show him you have a heart of gold like Grandma.
Call Him Names
When he passes you the mashed potatoes, take this as an opportunity to show him you’re definitely not interested.
“Hey, Derek, do you want to try not being a huge fuckface today?”
It’s mean enough to throw him off, but forgivable enough that he’ll still sneak away with you to the guestroom when the adults start discussing net neutrality during dessert.
Become Unfuckable
If you’re too distracted by your fantasy of him wiping pie crumbs off of your lips with his tongue, bleat like a goat during conversation. Any guy knows that if you were trying to fuck him—which you’re definitely not—you wouldn’t do something so ridiculous.
If you can’t commit to bleating, mooing or barking will do.
If none of these methods work, pull up the BuzzFeed article about incestuous couples that turned out just fine.