P
lank Leg Extension Pulses
Repeat ten times on each leg while engaging through your core.
Single-Leg Hip Thrusts
Focus on lifting with your glutes while protecting your lower back.
Take The Stairs
Remember to push through your heel.
Surround Yourself With A Coterie Of Terrible Backsides
Only consent to photographs from behind if hedged-in by your new, pancaked cohort. When reflecting upon these images, steep in the peace that comes only from visual comparison with one’s gluteal lessers.
Resolve In Your Mind The Notion Of Money As A Construct
Treat it as such when considering the needs of your bottom. Affirm in your heart the wisdom of investing in a half dozen pair of high-waist denim slacks with patented built-in InstaFirm SulptTech shaping panels wired with bluetooth capabilities. Ground your unshakable faith in the truth that their retail value ($695) is a reasonable price to pay when considering the #belfie-shaped hole currently deflating your #fitspo credibility.
Take Time To Ideate
Commune with your butt on the shape and altitude you’d like to achieve together. Your rump with be more engaged in this journey to new heights if you simply remember that you and your backside are a team.
Dismiss The Notion That You Possess Glutes At All
Imagine, rather, a pair of elegant and efficient wheels in place of your lower half. Envision yourself gliding through life unencumbered by the vanities of the non-bionic. Hold tight to this mirage until sweatsuit season arrives once more to whisk you away from the torment of short’s weather.
Consider The Oft-Overlooked Emotional Condition Of The Human Butt
It simply desires to be loved. Take a moment each day to shower it with affection. A sincere “I appreciate the work you do for this family” said peering over your shoulder would mean the world to a buttock that’s lost the will to pick itself up off the backs of your thighs.
Try Doing Activities Your Glutes Actually Like For A Change
Massage, cashmere loungewear, or even performing a playful duet of “Baby Got Back” or “Big-Bottomed Girls” are all surefire ways to lift your glutes spirits during these challenging pre-summer months.
Threats Of Violence
If your butt is still resisting your reasonable requests for a slight lift you may need to consider scaring it straight. Some have found great success in intimidating their rear ends with sinister whispers of discount Brazilian butt lifts or off-brand fillers injected in the basement of a friend of a friend of a friend’s second cousin. One must remember that some butts are beyond reason. While this is a last resort tactic, one can find success scaring their own butt firm with the threat of black market cosmetic surgery.
Deadlifts
Perform five sets of ten, focusing on correct form.