The world is a scary place, but not nearly as scary as the feud between Carole Baskin and Joe Exotic.
Oh, I’m sorry, you don't know what that means? You don't know Tiger King? The greatest cat-based, crime docuseries to ever bestow itself upon the world?
At a time of complete international chaos and anxiety, the only thing keeping this world together right now is this trailer park zoo show that makes The Jerry Springer Show look like a live stream of the ballet. After Tiger King, the Super Bowl seems like ants running around in circles. I never knew what a “thrill ride” was before this.
The docuseries follows three rival zoo owners and “big cat” trainers, one in Florida, because of course, another in South Carolina, because again, of course, and the third, in Oklahoma. The moment you see it, you will want to discuss it forever. Here are some tips to help you bring up Tiger King in every conversation you ever have from here on out.
1. While making your morning coffee, offer some to your family member and/or significant other by saying “Good morning, I made some coffee, Joe Exotic had two straight husbands and never washed his hair, do you need Splenda?” This will immediately stop your loved one from trying to talk about their feelings and instead will launch them immediately into a rant about Oklahoma-tiger adjacent polygamy.
2. During your work’s Monday morning conference call, start by saying, “Hello, how was everyone’s weekend? I hope you’re all feeling safe and doing well at home Carole Baskin fed her husband to the tigers.” This will really set the mood for the week and will make your coworkers go, “Wait what did you just say, they never found proof?”
Warning: At least one devil coworker no one likes is bound to say, “I like Carol, she seems nice.” When this happens, which, I’m sorry to say, might happen, everyone, and I mean, everyone will scream, “Shut up, Steven, Carol is a dirty beach witch, we all know her husband isn’t in Costa Rica!” Everyone shouting this in unison on the phone will also be a great team building exercise.
3. Make sure to shout, “BIG CATS!” in a fake Southern accent every 47 minutes no matter where you are, the shower, the backyard, the laundry room. It keeps people's brain waves focused and will lead to future Tiger King conversations.
4. Call your grandma once a day to check if she's watched Tiger King. Tell her there are no excuses and that “this is not a suggestion; this is a direct order, Mable!”
5. At the grocery store, make sure to only buy orange food so that when you’re checking out you can say to the cashier, “Wow, all this food is orange, this reminds me of Tigers, or rather, Tiger King, the sure-fire winner of the 2021 Emmy for best documentary series. Is that a category?” (The 2020 Emmys will likely be postponed. I have no proof but just guessing.) The cashier will probably just let you go without paying because they don’t want you to be away from your Netflix screen for too long.
6. Finally, when you're having dinner, the moment one of your family members takes a sip of wine make sure to scream, “JOE EXOTIC WAS ROBBED OF THE PRESIDENCY!” Everyone will agree.
This show is your entire worldview now. No one remembers life before this, and now all anyone believes in are big cats. BIG CATS!