How to Protect Your Stadiums from the Swarm of Sports Fans Emerging after 16 Months

Is that Jock Jams floating through the air? Why, it’s badly behaving sports fans—a subset of the fan genus—emerging to attend games for the first time in 16 long months. Previously rare, the badly behaving sports fans (A.K.A. “Brood W”) have exploded in population due to their inability to behave well in public after their long hibernation.

What to Expect

Brood W displays classic sports fans' characteristics: wearing team gear, looking for that W, and heatedly discussing stats. What differentiates Brood W is its more destructive behavior including:

1. Slurping down team-themed Bud Light bottles and urinating on the seats below.
2. Constant noise including buzzing, screaming at players to “put a little goddamn hustle in,” and mating calls in the form of whistles at “hotties on the fan cam.”
3. Fighting with the lesser stadium pest species, Mascots.
4. Consuming everything in sight no matter how inedible (hot dogs, stadium nachos, foam fingers) and annihilating the bathrooms afterward.
5. Running across the arena and interrupting play. Often this is done by shedding their team jersey, basketball shorts, and underwear exoskeleton.
6. Ripping up courts/fields when they emerge from the nest they made below the ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex in Orlando during the 2020 NBA Bubble.
7. Throwing promotional giveaways at players.
8. Flipping over cars and fighting in the parking area with rival swarms.

Warning: Brood W is most dangerous because of their ability to spread disease. In spite of stadium mask mandates and distancing efforts, Brood W has a high transmission rate for COVID, summer flu, and a fungal pathogen that causes a hallucinogenic sexual fervor while eating away at their butts, abdomen, and genitals.

Protect Your Stadium

Protecting your stadium from infestation is important in any season.

1. Inspect your Property. Brood W has a distinctive look: team jersey, calf tattoo of a team player riding an eagle, white socks with Adidas slides. The so-called “Common Sports Fans” may have one of the above, but not all three. Signs of nesting grounds can include collections of empty Miller High Life bottles, seats covered in smeared body paint, and areas where a portion of the field of play has been unearthed from below.
2. Apply Pesticides. Fan pesticide is best applied in stages. A lighter application includes high ticket pricing, mask mandates, and limited available parking. If this doesn’t work you may need to spray your seating areas and parking lots with a mixture of Gatorade and water. Brood W fans consume only the cheapest and second-cheapest beers at stadiums. They will flee in the presence of electrolytes. But this is a temporary solution. While you may free your stadium of its current infestation, pesticides have no effect on migrating populations of visiting team fans.
3. Create Barriers. Brood W expresses itself in victory and defeat by climbing—nets, lighting polls, rafters. Grease anything climbable. Fans are too inebriated to climb and throw themselves from heights. Clearly mark lavatories, limit alcohol purchases, and put netting around the area of play to prevent especially determined fans from flying in.
4. Schedule Early Cleanings and Wear a Hat. Brood W is attracted to raucous noise—air horns, Earth, Wind & Fire songs, use of the phrase “Trust the process.” These sounds make fans think there’s a potential kiss-cam mate or a gathering of fans waiting for their opinion of the ‘03 season. They’ll come from a distance and wriggle up from below to investigate. Have your cleaning staff come at dawn while fans are still hungover. And no matter the time of day, wear a hat. Fans perched in cheap seats will fill themselves on Dos Equis and excrete the excess, so protect your head from “Superstition Showers.”
5. Get Rid of the Carcasses. Having served their purpose of pelting batteries at your star player, stealing strangers’ seats, and punching the Mascot in the crouch, badly behaving fans die. But the carcasses can really pile up. To avoid smell and the label of “high crime city,” dispose of the bodies quickly. If your stadium has been heavily affected you may need a rake and a shovel to bury the bodies in deep holes at the edge of the court.

Following these steps may not get rid of every badly behaving sports fan in your stadium, but they will minimize the interruption, mess, and inconvenience of these noisy visitors and allow you to enjoy in-person sporting events once more.