Congrats! You’ve been pre-approved to marry our son. With this once-in-a-lifetime offer, you have the exclusive opportunity to wear the Fleischer Family Heirloom Ring—an irreplaceable gift for an expendable you!
Act now to receive a lifetime of resentment from the rest of our family. As the lucky chosen one to get betrothed first, you can look forward to satisfying rewards, such as hushed arguments when you walk through the door, the latest updates on the rise of divorce (Did you know over 99% of marriages end in divorce?), as well as both indirect and direct attempts to sabotage your wedding.
Don’t miss out on this one-of-a-kind ring! Who wants a modern style that reflects your unique taste when you can have an ostentatious family artifact that keeps the memory of our deceased homophobic grandmother alive? Our lifetime warranty guarantees you’ll feel the weight of our entire lineage on your finger, including some questionable Germanic roots.
For a limited time only, we’ll even throw in a special bonus offer of ZERO backhanded compliments* during family gatherings until June 2024. That’s right! Say goodbye to the patronizing comments of our daughter who has eyed this ring since she was six and skip the line of uncles who insinuate how much money they could get if they sold it to a pawn shop. We promise you’ll feel no guilt over taking our late grandmother’s ring away from our grandfather’s bare hands. Trust us, he wants you to have this even if that means he’ll never look you in the eyes again.
Sit back and relax because no blood diamonds were used in the making of this ring. As an ethically sourced, conflict-free family, we take pride in grave robbing from the very best!
Don’t delay! Contact us today to receive unlimited, 24/7 access to expert relationship advice whether you ask for it or not. Our free wire-tapping home installation allows us to help you even when we’re not there. Should any criticisms come to our attention about said ring, you will receive an instant notification of the nickname, “thankless wretch.”
Why wait? Join now and discover the countless benefits this ring will bring to your life. If the Fleischer Family Heirloom Ring is lost or stolen due to unauthorized uses, our zero-fraud liability policy ensures you won’t pay for any of our emotional or psychological damages, but we will bring it up in every conversation and ask, “How hard is it to lose something stuck to your hand?”
Time is running out! Claim your spot within the Fleischer family by texting the confirmation code: IAMSOHONORED to the mother-in-law before posting any engagement photos. Earn 3x the points if you follow up with a FaceTime and exhibit discernable tears.
Hurry! Offer Ends 2/15/2024.
*Note: The zero backhanded compliment offer does not apply to the mother-in-law, nor does it guarantee the father-in-law will remember your name. Fiancée should prepare to constantly be mistaken for our son’s last girlfriend.
Terms and conditions: Must be 25 years or younger with child-bearing hips and promising career prospects, but not too promising that it’ll delay you from starting a family. By accepting this ring, you also agree to name your unborn child after the mother-in-law.
Disclaimer: Marriage involves risk, including risk of loss. The Fiancée must remain in good standing to redeem the rewards and benefits of marriage on said wedding day. If the Fiancée attempts to resize or alter the ring, the Fleischer Family has the right to revoke approval at any notice. Fiancée will be subjected to a penalty fee of 3% of the ring’s restoration or $41 minimum, whichever is greater.
Notice to Ohio residents: All benefits are null and void. No exceptions.