So you're looking for a new place to live? That's perfect, because I am sticky brown kitchen cabinets and all the other bad choices landlords make with their rental properties! You can take virtual tours of my apartments; before you set foot into an open house you may bask in my particular aesthetic. You'll find me in every option on the market within your price range!
Entrance
Welcome! The landlord requires that you make three times the rent in order to scale the cobbled steps on this treacherous cliff just outside of cell service. Or you can show them your savings of twenty million dollars to live on the second story of a former 1960s motel. There you'll enjoy hallways so narrow no adept mover can manage even a chew toy. The tree which keeps your potential new abode from bursting into flames six months out of the year? Chopping it down once you sign your lease.
Kitchen
Not only are my kitchen cabinets sticky and brown, but they contain condos for giant cockroaches who never pay HOA dues. Somebody's got to make a living around here, so bring twelve pay stubs. If you're not into dreary mud schemes, how about a streaky gray corporate look? You'll feel you work as a middle manager out of a classy office complete with hazelnut decaf from an ancient Keurig —a great opportunity to further stain the stained counters you'll get charged for staining when you move out. Careful of the past-their-prime appliances that jut out awkwardly —and don't sue the refrigerator for sexual harassment, because it's barely running!
Bedroom
Hooray, your new bedroom is back-to-back with your next-door neighbors! That way no one can sleep, hear their own Neflix show, or have anything less than a threesome. Plus, this vinyl divider allows us to use “studio as big as a one bedroom” to charge you for a one bedroom. The “bonus room” we mentioned is a damp closet full of clumpy paint. I bet your last place didn't have taupe plastic blinds this impotent in the face of the actual sun!
Living Room
Here's where you can watch everyone on the block set off explosives on random days that are not the fourth of July! Enjoy cracked glass panes, torn screens, and the constant howling of every dog. After swiftly going mad and if you are somewhat financially mobile, you'll be living for breaking your lease.
Bathroom
Zero ventilation on offer here, so expect your worst shower and best number two to forever engender black mold and an expense account for scented candles. You can spend all eight months of your tenancy scrubbing out the tile grout with an old toothbrush. Sorry we positioned the door relative to the towel rack relative to the toilet such that you can't fully have any of them!
Closets
Who needs closets? They're just for hiding your truth. Here you'll live with everything you own OUT and PROUD! And don't try to stuff your excess belongings into some other space on the property. We've positioned the trash cans such that local raccoons—especially Wally—are drawn towards anything edible or otherwise. Wally also knows how to use matches.
Laundry
Enjoy coin laundry in an era where no one has access to quarters. The lock on the laundry room door will definitely stick and keep you from getting your wet clothes into the dryer, and every surface will be covered with a Paleolithic layer of dust so that there is no place to fold any of your underpants. Or you can have no shared or in-unit laundry at all, because we love nudists.
Parking
Our favorite practice is having one price for the unit and another for parking, even though nearly all working adults with the credit and cash to rent city apartments have cars. How do you feel about another $150/month? Hope your vehicle is small and you're good with squeezing between two SUVs. There are mice that chew engine wires at night. They are friends with Wally!
Yard
Honestly, the rent is so high because you get a side garden, as in a designated outdoor cement patch where you could lay up anything the size of a flip flop. Think of growing your own food, saving grocery money, getting off the grid! One head of lettuce takes five weeks and lasts two days; you should be fine.
Trash and Recycling
Head towards the alley where you'll find the dumpster fire. At least that former shade-providing tree and Wally can keep one good thing going.
Dozens of people will stampede here soon, so put in your application now to early bird for the worm. See you back on the first of the month!