Dear pen pal,

Hello! My name is Maxine (Max for short).

A little bit about myself:

I’m a chronic napper, a total foodie, and an avid runner. My pet peeves are slow walkers and doorbells. I’m currently unemployed but my dream job is an archaeologist who digs up treasures all day. My biggest flaw is probably that I can be a little too cocky for how small I am.

I’m really excited to get to know you better! Where do you live? What are your hobbies? What are you eating right now?

I look forward to hearing from you,
Max

You wrote back! I’m so glad you wrote back! I really wasn’t sure if I’d ever hear from you again!

I can tell by your responses that we could be best friends. I hope that’s not too forward. To be honest, my only friends are casual acquaintances I meet up with at the park every now and then.

Chicago sounds fun! I wish someone would take me to their famous running trails—I hear they smell great! That’s cool that you play soccer there. I don’t know the game well but I do love to chase a ball around.

And wow, a ham sandwich? That sounds delicious. I’m drooling just thinking about it. Did you finish the whole thing or is there a little bite left?

Sincerely,
Max

Hello!

What’s new with me? Hmm, nothing really. Wait, a bed! I got a new bed! I still have the old one too but I like to have options.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, I have a new neighbor. Anytime he sees me outside he goes crazy which makes me go crazy and if there wasn’t a fence between us I’m afraid of what would happen.

Oh, one other thing that I learned I love to do is to leave some food (e.g. a ham sandwich, even if there’s just a little bite left) at the edge of a table or counter and then leave the room. I know it sounds boring but trust me, it’s a lot of fun! Maybe try it before you leave for your soccer game today?

Yours truly,
Max

Hello! Hey! Hi!

How did I know about the soccer game? Oh, you made it sound like you’re always leaving your apartment for long periods of time to play soccer. You must not have any pets at home or there’s no way you’d be able to leave that often.

Unless, do you have any pets? I’m sure if you did, they’d love to come to the soccer game with you. Maybe you should take them next time—just not when you’re doing the food-at-the-edge-of-the-table thing.

Max

You live with a dog AND your girlfriend just moved in? Your dog must be really chill if he was ok with her moving in. Do they get along or is she kind of mean to the dog? Like, is she taking over his space and hogging all of your attention? Did she make you throw away his old dog bed even though he was planning on using it that night?

I’ve read that some girls claim to be allergic to dogs just so that their boyfriends will lock their dog up in a different room all alone. I can’t stand phonies. They make me want to run around until I puke. Like people who pretend to be something they’re not or act like they’re going to throw a ball but they don’t actually throw it.

I have 13 brothers and sisters but I never see them anymore. In fact, I feel closer to you than I do with them. That’s why I decided to send you some gifts! Enclosed along with this letter, you’ll find 3 pairs of tattered and mismatched socks, a pork-flavored vitamin chew for heart worms, and the battery cover of a TV remote.

I really hope you enjoy these gifts as much as I enjoy getting your letters. Seriously, I was so excited when I got your last letter that I peed a little! If you want to send something in return, even if it was just a little bite of something, I would not object.

Talk soon!
Max

Hmmph. Hmmph. Hmmmmph. Hhhhmph.

Max

Hello,

This is Maxine’s dad. I regret to inform you that our little princess passed away last week. I am reaching out to friends and family to relay the terrible news. We will hold a memorial service next week. In lieu of flowers, I am asking that everyone leave a ham sandwich out on the edge of their table (even if there’s only a little bite left) to commemorate our dear, cootsie-wootsie friend. If the sandwich should disappear overnight, we will know she is looking over us and it’s also a sign that we should treasure the relationships we already have and not prioritize newer relationships with people who are probably faking allergies.

Thank you in advance and please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,
Max’s Dad