Students of the Randall Public Elementary School:
We are in the midst of a humanitarian crisis. During the precious few minutes between 11:30 AM and 12 PM, Mrs. Montgomery's class been allowed to share the playground with us, taking scarce resources away from our class's—Ms. Copeland's—recess. This arrangement has become increasingly untenable, and it is clear direct action must be taken. That is why I, Greg Wozinsky, age 6, have been standing at the slide blocking it with my arms, and will continue to do so until we agree to build a wall to separate the two classes during recess.
Mrs. Montgomery's class has been an ongoing source of strife since the beginning of the school year, so defending vital playground amenities is essential for our safety and security. Many of you have told me that there would not be a problem during recess in the first place if I would just get out of the way. Unfortunately, that isn't how I see it, and you are not the boss of me.
The grievances are as follows: For one, there has been a steady supply of contraband Jolly Ranchers flowing from Mrs. Montgomery's class to Ms. Copeland's class, which has negatively impacted attention spans school-wide. I suspect Billy Howard is involved, because his parents give him a $5 weekly allowance, which is simply ridiculous for someone in first grade.
Most disturbingly out of all of this, no one has shared their Jolly Ranchers with me.
The issues do not stop there. I firmly believe one of the students in Mrs. Montgomery's class is none other than the mystery biter who attacked Susan Wilkerson-Wong when she put her hand through the curtains of the communal puppet theatre during library time. Thanks to the dubious forensic contributions of Kimberly McGrath—who is a year ahead in math and therefore not to be trusted—a rumor has started that it was me, but I can assure you that her judgment in this case is incorrect. Many other students are missing those same teeth.
I understand that my stance has raised concerns regarding the cost of this proposed wall, both monetarily and also in terms of good-will in the larger Randall Elementary School ecosystem. The good news is that construction will be quick and efficient because we will make Mrs. Montgomery's class do it—I'd prefer metal or brick, but in a pinch, they can easily source some plastic building blocks from the adjacent Pre-K.
Some have suggested that my actions in holding the slide hostage are immoral. Believe me, I am not doing this because I hate Mrs. Montgomery's class. I am doing it because I love our class. The only thing that is immoral about this situation is the cowardly intent to drag out negotiations until I am forced to leave the slide for a pee break.
This is not a time for politics. This is a time for us to come together and agree that Mrs. Montgomery's class is corrupting the heart and soul of Randall Elementary, and they totally have cooties. But until we can finalize an agreement, I'm willing to allow case-by-case use of the slide in exchange for putting Mrs. Montgomery's class in cages.