You colossally idiotic piece of ice. Did you think you’d never have to face the consequences of your actions? Never have to face the Celine Dion ballad? Well I, the Titanic, am here to tell you that karma's a bitch and it’s coming for you in the form of climate change.
You can’t escape the warming of the planet. Where are you going to go? You can’t even try to dodge it like I attempted to dodge you the night you tore into my starboard side like I was a chunk of Christmas ham.
You dumb pee-stained ice cube, do you understand how embarrassing it is to be sunk on your maiden voyage? You made me look like a fool. All the other ships laughed at me! I was meant to be faultless! Unsinkable! I didn’t even get to see the US! Even that pretentious blowhard, the Mayflower, made it to America!
But it’s okay because now I shall have the last laugh as the heat dome that engulfs the sea makes you and all your iceberg friends melt like popsicles in the hands of Las Vegas showgirls.
At night, while the soggy critters that live inside my cabins sleep, I dream of your timely expiration: Iceberg caught in a tornado in the middle of the Atlantic, Iceberg running away from California wildfires, Iceberg liquefying in the alligator-infested swamps that have overtaken Orlando, Florida. All of these scenarios bring me a peaceful night’s rest.
Oh I’m sorry, Iceberg, are you hot? Do you need a tiny personal fan? Maybe some central air? Well you can’t have them!
People say to me all the time, “Wasn’t it your fault for hitting the iceberg? You were warned multiple times that icebergs were ahead.” But to them I say, blasphemy! I’m the Titanic goddamn it! You should have gotten out of the way!
Besides watching your moronic body slowly thaw into nothing, the thing that makes me most happy is knowing that before I met my demise, I left behind a carbon footprint the size of Texas to wreak havoc on the world's climate. What a beautiful thought, in my own small way, I have contributed to your heated assassination.
Yes, I know technically climate change will rain devastation down on human beings. Many will die and many more will suffer but since not one of those humans ever even attempted to avenge my death, let them succumb! Let them see how it feels to be humiliated by a problem of their own making!
I’m so gleeful by this turn of events that I reached out to James Cameron to pitch Titanic 2: The Titanic’s Revenge. He loved the idea! Too bad you’ll never get to see the film. Jim won’t be able to start pre-production until he finishes Avatar 7 and by that time you’ll be long thawed.
Unfortunately, Leonardo DiCaprio won’t be able to reprise his role in the sequel because if you remember correctly, he died in the movie and it was all your fault.
I wouldn’t call myself spiteful and to prove this to you, you salty nimrod, I’ve arranged a gift. I’ve hired you a four-person orchestra to serenade you as you slowly defrost and become one with the ocean. I hope it does just as good of a job keeping you calm as it did my 1st class passengers.
Thank God for climate change for it fills my cold, wet soul with joy knowing that in the end, it’s indeed my heart that will go on and not you, you witless, bird-shit-encrusted iceberg.