To my fellow adventure enthusiasts, climbers, adrenaline junkies, people who eat Nature Valley bars, Alex Honnold, loyal Patagonia customers excluding frat boys, white couples with dog instagram accounts, the #DigitalNomad hashtag, sexy park rangers, and my boyfriend who’s had to tolerate the body odor wafting from my pile of dirty laundry pile for the past 187 days,
Thank you for believing in me as I’ve embarked on this journey to curate the world’s most daunting climbing location in modern civilization: a dirty laundry pile so high, so utterly disorienting, and so awe-inspiring to the human race, the media is already comparing it to Mount Everest, if the terrain on Mount Everest was made of an ambitious 24-year-old woman’s booty sweat after a handful of low-intensity cardio workouts she signed up for because of a Groupon promo code.
My experience growing this dirty laundry pile into an REI-sponsored destination has been anything but an easy task. It’s only thanks to my (menstrual) blood, (underarm) sweat, and (late-stage capitalism induced) tears that this pile has blossomed into what it is today, a treacherous, smelly laundry pile mountain with its own micro-ecosystem, flora/fauna/foot fungus found nowhere else in the world, and several National Geographic documentaries set to premiere on Disney+ next spring. It’s taken me months to collect enough leggings, jeans, dry clean only sweaters, pillow cases, and TJ Maxx bras to grow the size of this landmark and get REI to take me seriously.
I mean, do you know how long it takes to deem a bra worthy of putting into a dirty clothes pile? For some of us, centuries! But that’s just the kind of dedication I knew was necessary for this operation, because I believe in my vision. Now, so does the REI Co-op.
The crazy thing is, when I first began accumulating my dirty pile of laundry, I had no idea I was stumbling into not only a new career path, but a new community of modern climbers and adventurists who have monetized the art of People Climbing Big Things for No Reason Except Bragging Rights. I didn’t know I would change the world or have a bunch of REI executives glamped out in my living space, renaming my bedroom floor “base camp” for the climbing season and using my Tupperware to store their plant-based recipes. I just knew my apartment's laundry amenities were lacking and the community dryer once shrunk a pair of my comfy pants.
Yet, like any good Shark-Tank-type story, life came at me fast after a travel influencer spotted my dirty laundry pile with their illegal drone, and encouraged me to build it into a massive climbing destination. Their conviction persuaded me that I needed a side hustle. After that, I grew my dirty laundry mountain with the fervor and intensity of a multi-level marketing scheme sweeping the Midwest weight-loss industry.
So, it is with great honor that I join your adventure community as an official REI-sponsored climbing location. Starting today, I am beyond enthusiastic to begin accepting official climbing-attempt reservations. Think you can reach the summit? Anyone who is brave enough to attempt a climbing expedition will get a 20% discount on REI’s new spring line of climbing gear and a free stay on my couch if you Venmo me enough for Chipotle. Their new line includes items like customized nose plugs, rappels, carabiners, those helmet things, and other stuff you’ll have to ask the REI execs about because my part of this business deal is pretty much just throwing more thongs onto the pile and making sure my mom doesn’t visit me and find out about my messy room.
Together, we will forge a new path for the climbing community, presenting a once-in-a-lifetime challenge to anyone who can reach the peak of my pile without gagging, falling to their death, or realizing that climbing is kinda stupid. I look forward to this journey together!