First, there was twenty-seven-queen, next twenty-gay-teen, and now we have entered twenty-bi-teen, the year of our lord and savior Ariana Grande.
There are a lot of big questions to be answered, like is Brexit happening, and also what is Brexit? Is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal a feasible endeavor worthy of the time and energy it would require to manifest, and also why was Antoni allowed to deliver someone a lobster on the first episode of this season of Queer Eye and not even actually cook anything? Like, we all caught that right?
These are some pretty big questions we need to grapple with, however, there is one question more pressing to the future of our current political climate: is Pete Buttigieg gay enough? And I don’t mean like, is he gay as in is he attracted to men. I mean is he gay enough, as in how much iced coffee does he drink in a day, has he ever bleached his hair after a breakup, and when was the last time he was forced to recycle either of the previous two jokes to feel relevant on Twitter? Sure, the phonetic pronunciation of his last name, boot-edge-edge, sounds like it could be the title of a Kink Men video, but if he really wants to be gay enough he’ll need to answer these questions to prove it.
Question 1. Which character from Sex and the City are you?
Bonus points for being secure enough in your identity to admit you’re a Charlotte without qualifying it. Own it, Pete, just own it.
Question 2. Which Spice Girl are you?
There are a lot of character questions, Pete, there are four, maybe five archetypes gay men are allowed to fill, and they’re all based on women, so you better figure it out fast.
Question 3. Do you understand the innate joke that lies in calling your supporters the Pete Fleet and are you willing and able to joke about it?
Because if you are you can stop reading here, you are definitely gay enough.
Question 4. There’s a penis and a vagina in a tent and it’s on fire. Which one do you save?
This is a trick question because it’s a Karen Walker quote from Will & Grace, if you clocked that, you get a point. If you answered it sincerely, minus like, almost all of the points.
Question 5. Top or bottom?
Bonus points for being a bottom who answers this question as ‘vers’ because that is a nearly universal experience. Bottom shaming is real, and it can be hard to manage on the spot! Bonus bonus points for actually being vers.
Question 6. Are you a Twitter Gay or an Instagram Gay?
We all know the answer, but self-awareness is important so we’d like to hear you say it for yourself.
Question 7. Whomst, Pete, do you stan? Are you a Little Monster? Are you a Lamb?
This question is essential because it will determine if you are ever allowed to put together a brunch playlist. If you’re a Katy-Cat please pull out of the race now.
Question 8. Did the phrase “pull out” in the previous question make you laugh?
Question 9. How dare you?
Question 10a. Who is the real villain in The Devil Wears Prada and,
Question 10b. In a world where queer people are becoming increasingly more visible and represented while simultaneously more prone to harassment, violence, and discrimination at every level, how you plan to work to represent the needs and rights of the LGBTQ+ community, particularly the most vulnerable members of this community?
There are correct answers to both, so don’t mess this one up.
Listen Pete, we know you might not have all the answers, but we need the answers to these questions pretty quickly, ok? We get it, you’re a gay person trying to live under the same cis-hetero-patriarchy we all are, but that doesn’t make you gay enough to be our first openly gay president. I’ve yet to see you photographed at a single bottomless brunch, and I reserve the right to pass judgement until such time as I am able to learn whether you’re a mimosa or Bloody Mary kind of girl.
Until then, I’m sure the one thing we can all agree on is that no matter who is elected as our next president, Chasten should be contractually obligated to serve as First Lady. Somebody’s gotta make America gay again.