It's Only a Funeral: Find Your Partner for Eternity!
We are proud to announce the launch of the last dating service you will ever need: It's Only a Funeral. Because nothing tells you more about a potential suitor than how they behave during someone's death ceremony and burial.
Does he lift up his voice and sing “Amazing Grace” with a sound that would make an angel shed a tear, or does he choose to sit in the back row and mumble his way through verses like he couldn't care less about the complete stranger whose death you've come to grieve?
Does she show up with flowers and a message of kindness for the family of the deceased? Or does she constantly fret about her “funeral ‘do” and if her fake tears have caused her makeup to run?
These are the things you need to know to truly assess the long-term viability of your partner. We remove the mystery by presenting you with a custom funeral on your very first date. We'll match you and your date with a corpse and a grieving family based on our patented 23 question personality quiz. You'll be laughing, loving, and crying over the memories of a recently departed and previously unknown loved one, surrounded by strangers during one of life's most raw and intimate moments.
We take away the awkwardness of planning that first date. Is meeting for coffee too public for getting to know someone? Is a fancy dinner too formal? What if she's allergic to shellfish? What if a previous date already took him to where you were planning to go? We've eliminated these problems. From traditional somber services to dance party to karaoke, we will find the right style of service for you and your match. You'll be attending the funeral and eating Aunt Betty's famous bacon-jalapeno deviled eggs at the post-burial reception like everybody else in attendance.
What good does it do for you to find someone you think is perfect, only to have them flake out the first time you encounter a tragedy? Get the messy stuff out of the way with It's Only A Funeral.
Our Founder Has Made a Career Out of This
Our founder Dr. Muearta Decompesto has 30 years of experience as a funeral director and matchmaker. She served five terms as the official matchmaker of the National Funeral Directors Association and was awarded the Association's highest honor based on her contribution to the organized mortician speed dating event held at the annual conference. Unofficially, she states she's averaged one permanent match per funeral she's coordinated over her career. Many of her clients come back years later to thank her for her matchmaking skills; long after the actual funeral has become an afterthought.
Our gold level package includes Dr. Decompesto's custom dress and makeup advice. Having successfully sent off hundreds of corpses looking better in death than they ever did in life, Dr. Decompesto knows how to make you the flower of any funeral.
Why would you want to use any other service? We leave the competition looking like a bunch of stiffs.
The Three Headstone Guarantee
Are you still wondering what separates us from any other run of the mill funeral dating service? We like to say it's our three-headstone guarantee: if you attend three funerals without finding your lifetime match we will send you to three additional funerals free of charge.* Dr. Decompesto is so sure of our services, she's etched our guarantee into the sandstone grave marker she plans to have above her burial plot for eternity. That's commitment!
So go on, what are you waiting for? With It's Only A Funeral Dating Service, you don't need to be dead to experience eternal bliss.
*In areas of low death rates individuals taking advantage of our free funeral guarantee will have lower priority over members who have not yet reached the three paid-services mark.