Position: Grizzled Lieutenant
Salary: Not enough to babysit you, Rogowski.
Description: Seeking gray-haired, whiskey-drinking curmudgeon to oversee a department of knucklehead agents with withering disdain. Team-building philosophy should include berating, ball-busting, and badge-confiscating. Required to be on-call 24 hours a day, often spent in a dark office lit by a single desk lamp, contemplating where it all went wrong.
Nice-To-Haves: Retirement papers ready to be filed; estranged, vaguely-aged children; time for one more case… because this one’s personal.
Position: IT Analyst/Emotional Confidant
Salary: $112,000, with benefits. Actually very competitive pay for a government position, and they’re open to negotiation based on your skill set.
Description: Role requires you to provide heavy tech support to a team of agents, and to provide a shoulder to cry on to one agent in particular. Duties split between hacking into the Pentagon and absorbing the weight of several failed marriages in the department. Applicants should have experience coding and cooking, for those impromptu, emotionally cleansing dinner parties at the end of a very important episode.
Nice-To-Haves: Limited backstory, cluttered desk full of emotionally-resonant knick-knacks, very obvious crush on series lead.
Position: The Only Doctor at The Only Hospital in This Major City
Salary: A million dollars? Two million? Who else are we paying?
Description: You’ll be the caretaker for every injury in the entire metropolitan area. Every victim of assault, kidnapping, bridge collapse, ferry disaster, hot air balloon hijacking, and city-wide earthquake that caused the bridge collapse is dropped in your lap before being questioned by apparently the only two detectives in the whole city. Attacked uptown? They’re going to your hospital. Found downtown? We’re shipping them to you. Long-lost uncle getting an expository phone call? They’ll do it from your ER.
Nice-To-Haves: The patience and energy of a thousand trained doctors, surgeons, and nurses; a strong jawline; the ability to lead a spin-off medical drama.
Position: Hot Dog Vendor
Salary: You’ve never been visibly paid by anyone in this show for ten seasons.
Description: A silent, nondescript sidewalk vendor whose only responsibility is to hand over a piping hot frank with zero follow-ups.
Nice-To-Haves: Nothing. The less we know about you, the better.
Position: Protagonist’s Therapist
Salary: Enough to work alone in a private practice catering to a handful of emotionally-stunted law enforcement officers who come and go as they please.
Description: Mild-mannered therapist needed to coax any semblance of introspection out of an openly-hostile patient. Role requires an incredibly high level of emotional intelligence, and then an extremely low ethical bar to sign off on a hot-headed agent’s return to the field.
Nice-To-Haves: Apparently no other clients; expertise in explaining it’s not your fault; experience being kidnapped in a season finale.
Position: Medical Examiner/Stand Up Comedian
Salary: $121,000, also surprisingly good for a public position!
Description: Fifty percent of the role involves examining corpses, determining cause of death, and providing detectives with crucial pieces of evidence necessary for the conviction of the city’s most dangerous felons. The other half is entirely cracking-wise with a couple of couldn’t-be-bothered cops, serving up comebacks and eye rolls with the timing of a veteran club comic.
Nice-To-Haves: Withering one-liners, blase attitude toward the phrase “the perverted had a ruptured pelvis,” previous television credit of “oh, her…. what’s her name… yeah, from the, ya know… thing.”
Position: Defense Attorney
Salary: Based on the suit you’re wearing, six trillion dollars.
Description: Seeking counsel to represent the worst of the worst, the spawn of Satan (or if this is a CW show, it is Satan!). Law degree suggested, but not required, as most of the job is shouting at frightened witnesses until the city’s sleepiest judge mutters the word “sustained,” at which point you probably spit on a child.
Nice-To-Haves: Permanently-gelled hair, literal horns on your head, ability to co-star on spin-off medical drama.