By contributing writer Caleb McEwen
The post-Oscar hangover is upon us and I would like to take this opportunity to offer up some ideas for films, as I fear Hollywood has once again impregnated itself incestuously, thus giving us another year of flipper-limbed, banjo-plucking sequels, formula films, and remakes straight from the inbred womb of creative Appalachia. In response, here are some teaser lines for movies I'd like to see…
“In a world where it's illegal to not break the law, justice is a crime that only the most righteous of criminals refuse to commit, and it's up to one autistic figure skater to travel through time and save humanity…by becoming his own niece. Merchant Ivory Productions in association with several previously unknown Wayans brothers bring you a film that shows us what it means to be your own sister's daughter, while learning what it takes to be a man. Get ready for…The Other Boleyn Brother.”
“When Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, he died—almost instantaneously. Now, this group of inner city math and science students will learn how the worst field trip ever could become the best thing that ever happened to them. Watch a group of misfits triumph over the loss of a friend through love, understanding, and fractions. They’ll find out that love is…An Irrational Number.”
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“He was a brash, Irish, beat cop reincarnated as a Yorkshire Terrier. He was a robot programmed to be homosexual. Together, they're going to turn the world of competitive sudoku upside down. They are…Off the Grid.”
“What would you do if you could predict the future? Would you make millions of dollars in the stock market? Would you save your fellow man from disaster? Or would you just get stoned and remember all the things that haven't happened yet? Coming soon…Waiting to Inhale.”
“Gwyneth Paltrow gives the most shocking performance of her career as a woman who rose to a position of power in Hitler's inner circle by sleeping with a magical, dancing badger. But it all comes crashing down when she discovers that the badger has been dancing…around the truth. Together, they’ll have to overcome their past to save the rec center’s future in…Badger Mine, Mein Badger.”
“In a world that's running out of time, ‘speed’ is the answer to the question, ‘What is faster than slow?’ But even speed isn't fast enough to keep up with Barry, until Einstein's theory of relativity shows him that infinite mass isn't nearly as heavy as a man's love…for his dachshund. This summer, find out what it means to love in…If We Were Moving at the Speed of Light,
Dog Years Wouldn’t Matter.”
“She was a beauty school dropout with dreams of freedom for the oppressed people of Tibet. He was an evolutionary anomaly who liked pie. Together, they'll give the Chinese military all they can handle in…Betty and the Yeti.”
“It was a dark time. A time of sorcery. A time of warriors. A time of dragons. A time of…goats. Yeah! Goats! Big, mean goats—and a cow! No, wait…two cows. And frogs that exploded. It was awesome! And then there was a fight with this one hot chick and this guy had this thing that was all like ‘Bwwwweeeeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrmmmm! Pshew! Pshew!’ Like a laser—only magic. And there was that one guy who was trying to stop him, but he had this secret about this one thing that had happened to him a long time ago. Aw man, it was friggin' sweet! You should totally see it. Also, there was an elf. I can’t remember the title.”
“She was an unattainably hot chick. He was an overweight slob with a great personality and a heart of gold. Somehow they're going to hook up, even though it would unravel the fabric of reality if it ever happened in real life. This summer, Kevin James will show Famke Janssen that sometimes it's okay to…Settle.”
Enjoy. Until next time, the balcony is on fire.