Ladies 
and gentlemen of the jury, you’ve heard a lot of “overly compelling” evidence these past several days linking my client to the robbery of a Noodles & Company. But ask yourself, does my client look like the kind of person that would rob a pasta-based, fast-casual institution like Noodles & Company?
He does, right? Well, my client knows he looks like the type of person who would commit this crime, and that is exactly why he wouldn’t be crazy enough to do something like this. He knows he’d be a prime suspect.
Besides, you can’t convict a person because they look like the kind of person who would’ve stormed into a Noodles & Company wielding several burlap sacks and ordered the workers to “fill ‘em up” while gesturing toward the pasta stores in the back. You can’t lock a man up for stealing pasta just because he has long, thin, pasta-colored, angel hair, a bow tie around his neck, a spine curved like a tortellini, and several bits of chewed-up linguine currently in his mustache.
Is it even a crime to steal pasta? Oh right, it is. What if the person was stealing pasta to feed their family, like an Italian Les Mis? Still yes. What if they weren’t going to feed their family or even eat the pasta at all? What if they were going to do something else (non-sexual) with it? I understand. Moving on.
A lot has been said about my client’s past. Namely, his lengthy arrest record which includes the robberies of several Olives Garden and Macaronis Grill. Remember, my client has already been punished for robbing those pasterias; which means he learned his lesson to not steal pasta. If you look at the prosecutor's own arrest record you will find he has never been arrested for noodle pilfering. This means he has never learned any lessons about pasta theft being wrong. This should place the burden of suspicion squarely on our own prosecutor. I mean, spending several days trying to prove someone else robbed the Noodles & Company? Seems a little, “the lady doth protest too much” does it not?
They also said my client has been banned from all Buca di Beppo locations, but they didn’t tell you the whole story. My client’s ban has nothing to do with stealing pasta. Unfortunately, I cannot expand on the ban any further as we are still waiting for the appeals courts to determine whether or not a restaurant can dictate which orifice you have to use to ingest their food when dining in.
My client is not an idiot. Were he to rob a Noodles & Company, he would not wear a shirt that reads “Pasta Bandit” during the alleged heist. He is only wearing the shirt here today because he saw how cool it looked on the real criminal when we watched the security footage yesterday. Wearing a cool shirt is not a crime!
You hear that, Juror #3? It’s not a crime, you don’t have to wear boring shirts like that one.
The prosecution points to my client’s home and his swimming pool full of cooked pasta as evidence of his guilt. To this I say, if he has a swimming pool full of pasta at his house, then why would he need to rob a Noodles & Company? He is all set on pasta. Unlike the prosecutor, whose home, comparatively, has barely any pasta.
Interestingly, the prosecutor also has a pool of his own. And his pool is full, not of pasta, but water. Not just any water, SALTWATER—the exact thing you would use to cook an outrageous amount of delicious, flavorful pasta! Interesting.
If loving pasta is a crime then they better lock up Al Capone too. Wait no, bad example. I can’t think of anyone else that loves pasta. The ol’ noodle has been working overtime this week haha. Don Corleone? Still bad. Hold on.
If none of this is enough evidence for you to believe that my client was framed, may I direct your attention to the prosecution's desk? If the prosecutor truly has nothing to hide and truly believes my client committed this crime, then he should have no problem opening up his briefcase and PROVING it is not packed to the brim with stolen, al dente fettuccine.
Aha! Lasagna sheets! Just as I suspected. Oh, those are just papers? Fine. But, imagine what your reaction would’ve been if a bunch of sticky, cooked noodles had spilled out.
The defense rests.