Boss, listen. I know why you called me in here.
Well, yes, mainly because the subject line of the email said, “Final Warning: You’re About to Get Fired, Kid.” Really straight to the point—and I love that about you, boss. I just need to make one final plea—you must understand that my inner voice is actually a fat old white guy named Steve and he’s ruining my life.
I know no one believes me! Sure, outwardly I’m a 23-year-old, Pakistani-American female recent college graduate. However, inwardly, I am fat old Steve.
I’ve been trying to explain this to everyone in the office for the six months I’ve worked here, but they all just roll their eyes at me. They say, “why are you making excuses for your constant mistakes and horrible work output?” and, “that is the stupidest excuse I’ve ever heard. Did you just make that up?” and for some reason, “You are absurd and your face is absurd.” I don’t get why everyone has to come at me about my face. That seems really unnecessary.
But you’ve gotta believe me! I know I make countless silly mistakes on every assignment you’ve ever given me. I want to do well, but every time I sit down to work, Steve makes me go on the internet and google “soccer stats” and “boobs” until the day is done. It’s impossible to get any work done when Steve, who is running my mind, can’t concentrate on a single task without getting distracted by the glory hole that is the internet.
Look, it’s not all bad, though. I’m much more confident because my inner voice is so much more privileged than me, seeing as how he’s a man and white and also chill as hell. The other day I walked into a board meeting just because I was walking by, pitched an idea, and walked right out. Was my pitch for ad slogans useless because we work in a law firm and literally have no capability to make those kinds of calls? Yes, absolutely. But it’s cool to inject a little creativity into this joint, don’t you think?
The thing is, I think some people are finally starting to accept me for who I am inside. The boys in the office are starting to invite me out to boys’ night because I beat their asses in a cold brew chugging contest the other day. I’m so excited to finally get in with them.
Also, once I told my boys that Steve is a white guy, I got an instant salary increase—I don’t even know how the boys were authorized to do that since we’re all in the same position, but apparently white guys just “have that power.” That’s what Nick said. I love Nick! He’s so funny. He pantsed Brian the other day and it was so hilarious. Haha! I love my boys!
Trust me, this life is not easy for me. Steve and I have a major disconnect. Mainly because sometimes I just want to live my life like a normal 23-year-old girl. You know, hang out with my gal pals and talk about boys over brunch, or whatever girls do. But every time I’d go to brunch, Steve would make me order chicken and waffles and immediately devour them like an actual beast who was raised outside of civilization. And then the girls just stopped inviting me out. It really sucks.
Boss, I hope you can see that I want to do well here at Johnson & Rogers LLP. I really do. But Steve is ruining this opportunity for me. So, what do you say? Give me another shot?
Ok for sure. I’ll see myself out. Please tell the boys I said I love them and will miss them dearly. Hit me up on WhatsApp, boys!