On boring nights and pointless days, I find myself browsing on MySpace. I really don’t even know what I am looking for most of the time. Sometimes I’m in the mood for a nice large pair of breasts. Sometimes, I just look for the weirdest people I can find, comparing them to myself and how much better I am than them. But over the past few months, after looking at thousands of profiles, I have noticed certain patterns.
The first pattern is that I have way too much fucking time on my hands and am on my computer over 5 hours a day. But the second and more important pattern is the overwhelming amount of 16-20 year old girls that have accounts on MySpace. I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous. They all adorn the same butterfly and heart background, with the same stupid ass quotes from Garden State and the same fucking Keith Urban song.
I am tired of having to look through all of this shit just to see a nip slip or an exposed ass cheek.
And that brings me to the point of this article. I am going to attempt to interpret some of the common characteristics that are present in almost every 16-20 year old girl’s MySpace profile.
Backgrounds
| = | I love myself more than anyone else. | |
|
= |
I really look like a caterpillar. | |
| = | I am a greedy prostitute. | |
| = | I hate white people. | |
| = | I hate black people. | |
| = | I spread my legs after two Smirnoffs. | |
| = | I spread my legs after three Smirnoffs. | |
| = | My shits stink. |
Quotes
| ? oh I wonder what God was thinkin when he created you, i wonder if he knew everything I would need, because he made all my dreams come true, when God made you he must of been thinking about me ? | = | I have no personality of my own, so I cling to my boyfriend who will say he loves me if I give him head. Oh yeah, God is neat. |
| *God Will Never Give Us More Than We Can Handle* |
= |
I am a fucking idiot. |
| I'M NO GIRL NEXT DOOR I'M THE BITCH DOWN THE STREET | = | I'll take a dump in your toilet and I won't flush. |
| Y0u kn0w y0u want !t b0y, d0nt @ct lik3 y0u d0nt w@nt !t b0y, ! w@nt !t JUST @s b@d @s y0u d0 | = | I have epilepsy. |
| Die knowing You lived Your life on Your Knees | = | I swallow and ask for seconds. Or I pray a lot. Whatever works. |
| AMY!!! | THAT'S MY NAME!!! |
Then there are these things called “personality profiles.” You put your name into a program and it supposedly generates your personality characteristics. Bra-fucking-vo.
How to Make a Jenny
| 3 parts competitiveness 1 part humor 3 parts leadership |
= | 3 parts sluttiness 1 part fake tan 3 parts annoying |
| Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little lustfulness if desired! |
= |
Beat with a rock at high speed for 2 hours. Add a little fucking brain if desired! |