You’ve been pre-selected—Bank of America is excited to help you unlock the untapped earning potential of your feet. Service now available through your BofA app.
How does foot valuation work? Simply follow the prompts, upload a few well-lit, ankle-down images, and let Bank of America’s integrated AI do the rest! Foot desirability is calculated using market trends (Craigslist), so you can have peace of mind knowing you’re getting a fair price.
Why? Because Bank of America has always been sex-positive, queen! So, if you’re one of the critics, saying we get off on using middle-class financial turmoil to turn a profit, we just have to ask—have you always kink-shamed?
Fighting stigma is a major part of what we do. Do we have room to grow? You betcha. BofA has failed in the past. Hair, plasma, marrow—we were behind the eight ball in finding ways to shamelessly commodify other parts of the human body. When it comes to the feet market, we want to be part of the solution. Do you?
Still, feeling unsure? Times can be tough—who hasn’t needed a multi-billion dollar bailout? Some insecurity is normal when turning your feet into a sidehustle for the first time. But in this economy, everyone deserves (and probably needs) several sources of income. If you've read this far, that includes you. For sure.
Bank of America wants to empower you by setting you up so you never have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps again. All you gotta do is kick those babies off, snap a few pics, and problem solved. So enough with the entitlement. Imagine the lifestyle you could have built by now if you’d stop being a prude and sell.
Look, everyone knows keeping your money tucked under the mattress does you no good. The same goes for the size nines you’ve still got tucked in those beat-up Reeboks. Make your assets go to work for you.
Remember! Even bunions can pay the bills.
Still holding out on us? Really? Not like it’s blood—you can literally sell as much as you want.
Is it a mental thing? Just sit on your foot for a while till it falls asleep. Pretend it’s not yours.
How is that weirder? We didn't say you had to pretend it was someone else’s foot. It could have just been the abstract idea of a foot. You made this weird. Not Bank of America.
What if we come up with a clever branding portmanteau to make this feel more approachable? Like Toeconomy? Feetnance? Feetancial?
Great news! You just qualified to use your feet as collateral when securing a loan with a bonus of 25,000 points and no annual fee. Now will you give us your money?
Our lawyers request we be crystal clear here. Should you fail to repay your loan, Bank of America will not own your feet, per se, but we will seize the likeness of your feet and have access to a predetermined number of pics per month.
Chase your financial dreams. Foot the Bill® with Bank of America.