New HGTV Shows That are Guaranteed Ratings Juggernauts

“For HGTV, Fixer Upper’s success provided the network with a formula for filling the ratings sinkhole it will leave behind: Make shows about charismatic twosomes from underexplored parts of the country.”
–New York Times

“Spud Sisters,” Coming May 2018

Patty and Joyce have always had a knack for decorating with potatoes. And next fall, these besties from Twin Falls are turning their talent into a trade. Watch as they crinkle-cut across Idaho, surprising random homeowners with makeovers done exclusively with tubers and roots.

“Unplugged,” Coming June 2018

In their television premiere (starring AND watching), Amish brothers Ezekiel and Amos help tech bros disconnect in Silicon Valley. Engineers, programmers and venture capitalists pay top dollar for the Pennsylvania Dutch duo to give their McMansions analog makeovers and teach them how to pull off suspenders.

“Summer House,” Coming July 2018

Looking for some steamy summer programming? Tune in this July as Shelly and Bob Goldstein, an estranged couple from Secaucus, New Jersey, have sex in every room of the house while their kids are away at overnight camp. We’re talking living room, den, kitchen, bathroom, solarium—if it’s a room, they fuck in it. Because sometimes, it’s the relationship that needs renovating. This show is rated TV-MA.

“Phi Beta Foreclosure,” Coming November 2018

Follow Brad and Dan, a couple of frat guys from Penn State, as they see how fast they can decrease the property value of an innocent family’s house. With a mix of spilled beer, George Foreman grease, and rogue semen, they’ll wreck immaculately preserved colonial homes in less time than it takes one of their friends to get expelled for sexual assault.

“Digging Deep,” Coming January 2019

After losing their gravedigging jobs in rural North Dakota, Liam Neeson (no relation) and Gary Sinise (somehow, also no relation) are using their soil skills to launch a gardening company. Watch as this pair of seedsmen transforms Fortuna’s lawns, while also trying to get over intense, corpse-related PTSD. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

“Furry Fixers,” Coming March 2019

Fenrir and Sköll were raised by wolves in the New Mexico desert. Today, the feral sisters redesign homes for people who identify as animals. From human-sized doggie doors to floor-to-ceiling cat scratch posts, these she-wolves will literally leave you howling for more. Subtitles available.

“Cave Dwellers,” Coming May 2019

Mariposa and Septimus spent most of their lives in an underground cult in the San Fernando Valley. Well, that’s not true. They spent most of their lives in jail for a murder they committed while in an underground cult in the San Fernando Valley. But now they’re out and reselling their old cave dwellings to New Age, minimalist yuppies. Talk about making a killing!

“Haunt Hunters,” Coming July 2019

In this dramatic new series, the ghosts of a man and woman who died in a tragic accident on an Alaskan highway search for the perfect house to haunt. Each week, the spirits visit another home, floating through walls, terrifying occupants and checking the water pressure. Will they find their dream haunt, or will it slip through their creepy, translucent fingers?

“Twin Transformations,” Coming August 2019

A pair of conjoined twins with different styles and dads (don’t ask!) battle for design supremacy in a small New England town where only twins live. Will Sharlene's mid-century modernism beat out Lurleen's country charm? Which of their minds controls their bladder? These questions and more answered every Monday next August.

“Hammer Hands,” Coming September 2019

Chet and Kurt Kroger are brothers who were born with hammers for hands near a nuclear disaster site in Erwin, Illinois. Now, they’re turning their deformities into dough by building custom homes for wealthy Midwesterners. Watch as they bang out a different house every episode and struggle to go to the bathroom without bashing their dicks in.

“Crafty Crows,” Coming October 2019

Razor and Finley are two clever crows from Arizona who build smart homes for retirees. With a combined IQ of 340, these birds are architecting some of the most futuristic digs on earth. A feeder that knows if you’ve taken your cholesterol medication? Floors that can sense when there’s a cat afoot? Crafty, indeed.