There’s a reason why many consider New York to be the greatest city on Earth, and no small part of that prestige is owed to those cheesy triangles we call pizza. Hey! I’m walking here! Walking to get a steaming hot slice, that is.
And while I love my city, there are some things about it that I don’t care for, such as the fact that my ex-wife also lives in it. If you’re like me, you may find it difficult to enjoy the city’s most beloved food while actively avoiding your ex-spouse along with the court mandated debt you owe her.
This list gives the definitive ratings for some of the city’s most famous pizza joints based on how well suited they are for hiding from your ex-wife when it comes time for her to receive her monthly alimony payment.
Roberta’s
Any New Yorker worth their salt will list this Brooklyn gem among their favorite places to score a slice in the five boroughs. In addition to serving excellent, authentic pizza, the restaurant’s thick wooden tables provide an ideal place to hide beneath and eat your meal while waiting for your ex-wife to leave after you both coincidentally showed up at the same time.
Another positive here is how clean the floors are, a true blessing, as two hours of crouching on a restaurant floor anywhere else would have likely ruined my chinos.
4.5/5 stars
NY Pizza Suprema
This popular pizzeria near Madison Square Garden has both a superb cheese/sauce ratio, and a much bigger kitchen than I’d imagined given the location. Hiding in it was a bit of a Jurassic Park experience; it was just like the scene where the kids are hiding from the velociraptors. The only difference was instead of being afraid a dinosaur was going to eat me, I was afraid I would have to write a $6,000 check and be called a dumbass by the woman whom I once promised to love and cherish in sickness and in health.
Alas, the way the spoons and ladles are hung up in this kitchen make them easy to knock into, which in turn will quickly give away your location through a series of clatters.
3/5 stars –actually I’m going to start rating these not out of 5 stars but out of 5 pepperonis (like what you put on a pizza)
FDR 99¢ Slice Pizza
Horrible. There are no tables to hide under, and instead, just a counter to stand behind (that doesn’t hide you at all).
If it weren’t for my enormous fake mustache and the newspaper I pretended to be reading, my ex-wife certainly would have recognized me.
1/5 stars pepperonis
Lucali
Lucali is a very popular Brooklyn pizzeria. So popular, in fact, that the risk of your ex-wife being among the patrons is relatively high, which is problematic for obvious reasons; as the old saying goes, “If you’ve got money for pizza, you’ve got money to pay your alimony.”
Good luck explaining to your ex that you don’t have the money at the moment to hand over her pound of flesh whilst stuffing your face with a $24 pizza pie.
However, the large crowd can actually work to your advantage if you grab a couple of the crushed red pepper or parmesan cheese dispensers and throw them across the room to create a distraction, allowing you to make your escape, shielded behind people craning their necks to see what’s going on. Still, this should only be used as a last resort as I am now banned from the establishment.
2.5/5 pepperonis
7-Eleven
While this convenience store chain may have atrocious pizza, it is truly the gold standard for hiding from your ex-wife. There are enough aisles and displays that I was never even a little worried about having to give my ex-wife the money that I am not only legally required to give her, but that she relies on each month as a part of her salary.
At one point, I hid in the especially spacious freezer, an obvious but effective hiding spot. (I unfortunately got stuck in it, and had to live off of tall cans of Arizona iced tea for four days. This was but a small price to pay.)
5/5 pepperonis