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All I need is for Bezos to read my kids a bedtime story and I will be up for the 2018 award for disconnected dad of the year.
When not studying, Teddy enjoys playing with action figures despite the fact that he's a grown man. Johnny, my feral child, fathered a couple of kids.
This is so embarrassing to admit, but when I lived upstate, I didn't know how to dress at all. I just hung out in the woods all day with nothing on.
Reindeer Hide-and-Seek: The whole point is to be inconspicuous, but you know that's outside the range of this attention-seeking try-hard.
Your innocence is adorable. Yes! Crumple it, toss that ball of misery across the room. Release your righteous fury!
"It’s A Wonderful Life": George and Mary’s kids, Pete, Janie, Tommy, and Zuzu, all die because George and Mary refused to have them vaccinated.
I hope I don't have to use the revolver, but this is Costco—godless territory where wild men purchase two-gallon tins of popcorn on any given day.
BARBER: It is customary to tip your barber $15 for each person who complimented your haircut and then immediately had sex with you.
Your Rabbi: The Talmud teaches many things, but it doesn’t teach how to destroy the attack helicopter on the roof of the “Oblask Dam” level.
I didn’t know that a first date at a restaurant was inferior to slipping on ice in your heels and falling into the arms of your high school ex.
There are numerous holidays, and some of us will be spending December 25 at a TGI Fridays while their soon to be ex-wife blows the retirement fund.
For the Improviser: If you’re looking to give a gift that lasts, offer them $450 to never improvise again.