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For those of us over 60, cards could say, “Congratulations on outwitting the grim reaper, keep up the good work!”
The Despacito singer received a routine chest X-ray today. Doctors say the Biebs will be “mildly radioactive for the next several hours.” Cute!
A master ball isn’t gonna do it, dumbass. It’s gonna take a brand sponsorship and widespread public interest in your day-to-day bullshit.
Let’s put on some hip-hop and do leg lifts like it’s 2002! Feel the burn. Not #feelthebern. Because really, are the Bernie Bros happy now?
Maybe I should wait for Maisy to realize that anorexia is bad. Maybe I should start a hobby. Maybe I should just crack jokes like usual.
You will recall laughing after I cautioned that I had once confessed to a priest only to watch him go straight to hell. I do not recall laughing.
A great place to stay on those days when you're in a bad mood and just "wanna kill everybody on the whole fucking planet."
Let's get right into the meat of it: immigration. We're going to stop saying "carne" in this country, aren't we, Mr. President?
I was made to bring joy to this world. Now I’m on the floor where I can only bring pain. I fear I am becoming the villain.
Captain Bloodspear has an exclusive library of sea shanties that you can't hear anywhere else. All delivered in his one-of-a-kind spectral rasp.
Historically (more for you than for me as I'm hundreds of years old), gold values increase during dips in international trade.
At a certain point, your homeboy Wile E. must realize there's more to life than trying to murder some bird. Like chilling on a perfect afternoon.