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Haters and losers, folks, haters and losers. So many stupid people, ignoring the facts. Don't even remember I got rid of ISIS in my first 30 days.
"It's taking up a third of your neck and appears to have green veins extending from it. This can't be good." -Dr. Jennifer Miller, DDS
I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME.
Ask your doctor if Gamora is right for you. If your doctor says it is, wow, that’s a pretty ballsy doctor you've got there. I mean, this shit can literally kill you.
In "Green Eggs and Radioactive Lambs" an isolated town's chickens have died and the few remaining eggs have turned green. Eat these pitiful creatures or starve?
Disturbing and introspective audio from Tom Hanks' handheld recorder, sent to me anonymously in the form of time-stamped .wav files.
I had long heard rumors of Ben's virtual atrocities, but I needed to see proof of them for myself. After all, he's 10, how bad could it be?
Welp, this is how it all ends. If there's some sort of service to remember me, please have them mention my karate belts.
Six weeks ago, when I opened my strip club Scenes From an Italian Breastaurant, I thought the sky was the limit. Sadly, reality caught up with us.
Minimal effort to appear as smart as possible to your coworkers, fellow cigarette smokers at a party, parents, and strangers’ cats.
Sit at the table, young man. You can't have your funding for the border wall until you finish this fiscal deal. Plus, I added some salt.
The barbwire tattoo around this douchebag's arm essentially screamed, "None of my shirts have sleeves and I punch walls when I get insecure about my small penis!"