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Following my male cat's attempt to have sex with his sister, I realized that the real problem is endemic to the culture of rape in which he, and all cats, live.
Any knuckle-headed crook worth his weight in salt knows better than to fall for the classic good cop/bad cop routine. That's when I come in: tired, horny cop.
The majority of scientists are deeply corrupted by their associations with for-profit institutions. I, on the other hand, have three important independent findings to share.
If you're not a seasoned veteran of the Twitter streets then some of these girls' tweets might be hard to decipher. Here's a guide for beginners.
At the Deep-Seated Mentality Driving School, we pride ourselves on initiating drivers how low their brethren can sink, and how they must be prepared for the worst.
Gone are the days when "fuck" was socially shocking. My generation has even started to use these words as sentence filler, as if they were the new "uh" or "um."
I don't understand the concept of the handicap in golf. The more you suck, the more strokes you can deduct? What if I can't play at all? Do I automatically win?
When selecting a truck, always remember the golden rule: the bigger, the better. This rule will apply to almost everything we talk about, other than your tank top.
The world has wept for Cecil the Lion. But what about Thurgood, my overfed Siamese fighting fish? My friend left him to die and certainly this deserves as much attention.
A terrified young virgin will be forcibly restrained while her heart is ripped, still beating, out of her chest, while she endures an unimaginably gruesome demise!
You step into the ocean and wonder what insensitive, sociopathic creatures are swimming around your feet. They can all do you harm, and they probably will.
We need a new bandmate who can lead an interview. WE CAN'T DO IT!! MUSICAL TALENT IS NOT REQUIRED TO JOIN THIS BAND. In fact, please ONLY be charming.