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For all we know, this World Cup may still be going on; we can't be too sure. As Americans, it behooves all of us to try and find out as much as we can about this.
Alas, most of you are morons. Therefore, I have compiled a list of things you should know not to do before you buy a lottery ticket at the convenience store where I work.
In commercials you see sailors doing all kinds of awesome shit. In real life, you do a bunch of jobs so shitty you can't believe how naïve you must have been to enlist.
I'm Don Johnson, Christ's faithful cameraman, publicist, and devoted chronicler of his second coming, and this is the premiere episode with Jesus on a turkey hunt!
Well done, Bill Phillips, Men's Health editor-in-chief, you did it. You figured out the perfect combination of repetitive nonsense that keeps me coming back for more.
Sorry I sneaked on board Apollo 17 without your permission, NASA - that's entirely on me. But listen, can you GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING ROCK ALREADY??
So if I don't buy a beer I have to leave? I was just telling the underdressed young lady here that I can't buy another beer because I'm saving for plane tickets.
BuzzFeed use the beaten-horse style of nostalgic prose so predictably and effectively, that we've already written an excerpt of what you'll see in 2034.
John Finklestein went from celebrated art collector to shamed FART collector overnight. Here's how that smelly reputation ended up taking him to the top.
It's not that I DON'T want to have sex, and it's not that I DO want to have sex, it's that I simply don't give a fuck about getting fucked. And yet I feel like I should.
If you're a modern man, chances are you hate women. Don't be afraid, it's natural. After all, they use their vaginas to gain an advantage in life and you can't do that.
Good thing great authors aren't alive today. Here are 10 rejection letters they likely would have received in our current, dismal literary market.