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A woman may be as beautiful as a jewel-encrusted diamond, but on the inside, she's as ugly as the elephant man swimming in a big fucking puddle of diarrhea.
Dear Match.com, I think it's time I join your piece of shit website. I was put on this planet to change your ugly member stereotype forever, which is why I'm requesting a free membership.
I have to walk half a mile to get to class twice a day. When the creepers and idiots are out in full force, I have a special routine for getting to campus without getting molested.
Why did female homo sapiens end up with curvaceous figures while our mammalian brethren can only gaze upon flat skin and droopy nipples? The answer is both complex and childish.
As a teacher, I often get frustrated when my students ask me the question, 'Why do we need to learn this?' So I finally forced myself to sit down and construct the ultimate answer.
Even worse than pointless status updates are ridiculous quizzes. Stop spending your Saturday nights trying to find out "What's Your Sexual Style."
This is my ultimate bucket list for my trip to the birthplace of democracy. If anybody feels the need to be the Jack Nicholson to my Morgan Freeman, applications can be submitted immediately.
Wait, it's warm outside? Tour de Franzia at noon? Your buddy just bought two matching neon jumpsuits? DAY DRINK! From the bizarre to the belligerent, these are the day drinkers.
There are steps every male needs to take in order to be considered a real man amongst his peers. Rites of passage that go well beyond arm pit hair, ball-dropping, and deuce-dropping.
For years Muhammad Ali was challenged by the elusive simile. He was plagued by its power, unable to express his unorthodox fighting style with poignant, poetic beauty.
Before going to another bar and trying fruitlessly to score, find out if you've been sporting any of the following items. If so, they might be scaring girls away without your help.
I am from the future and my people chose me to come back and warn your generation about the oncoming swordslaught. Every horrifying tales of the human downfall involves swords.