Daily funny articles by seasoned comedy writers and fresh voices. Best of Year | Editors' Picks | People's Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
You are a physiological pacifist and believe in a body where booze and antibiotics can coexist. Alas, modern medicine disagrees, so you decide to stop drinking temporarily. A part of you died on that day.
As an efficient society, we need to lay out some ground rules for this new vending machine rental method. I call these rules, Redboxiquette. Use them to prevent real life movie violence in line.
All my years of watching porn and Animal Planet finally paid off as I combined these ideas into one magical symphony of sex. And I bet you want details about how I pulled this shit off 'cause like me, you are a bunch of sick fucks.
Friends, classmates, brothers and sisters in the human race, we are on the brink of a crisis: old people are starting to use Facebook!
We all stared as you crinkled up the piece of paper, walked across the room, and embarrassed yourself with that jumper. You could probably fit two regulation size basketballs in that trash can, but you still missed that shot.
Of all the stereotypically lame friends a girl has in her lame group of friends (examples include: shy friend, fat friend, ghetto Latina friend, overly masculine friend, and any combination thereof), no friend is more annoying than 'the crazy friend.'
With job loss, inflation, foreclosures and bankruptcy taking a toll on our country, people welcome any solution that may shore up the system. This has prompted my 7-year-old nephew, Timmy, to ask some questions and the government is here to answer.
We at Starbucks take coffee very seriously, dating it for six months before we even consider making a breast move. If you would not sell your own mother into white slavery for a good espresso, please just go apply at Tully’s.
I really, really feel bad about the fact that I destroyed your reproductive system like that. I wish I could make it up to you. You could take my child, if you promise to assume full legal responsibility for it. And feed it.
The time before the blunt is a quiet, calm period. We all sit in a circle and watch in hushed awe as the roller works silently. Finally, the blunt goes around the room. Puff, puff, pass; puff, puff, pass; like an Olympic track team flawlessly relaying t
Like all good parties, it's best to be sleeping in your own bed when they come to an end, even if it means borrowing your little brother's car and drunk dialing everyone you know on the wild ride home.
Oh my God, I'm walking to frat row. I thought we were being ironic! I was being sarcastic when I said that I wanted to 'get my pong on.' I don't talk like that!