Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
Tag: Satire and Parody
What Makes Me Stand Out from Other Applicants Is I Have a Little Worm in My Ear
Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them.
A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
Updates from Your Local Library Regarding Your Overdue Book
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
Do Not Use That Stall, I Just Had a Huge Cry in There
I felt a little weird so I went to the bathroom. And—I’m sorry if this is TMI—but I just started fucking bawling man.
My Requirements for a New Social Media App
Yes, I want to see my friend’s joke about pouring milk in the bowl before cereal, but I also want a bot to direct me to pussy in bio.
I Can’t Believe My Favorite Band Whose Music I Never Bought Is Breaking Up
After a decade of not giving them a dime for any of their creative output, I just don’t understand why they would call it quits.
Disappointing Truths Behind Paranormal Mysteries
Disappointing Truth: Stonehenge is just another case of mass hysteria. In reality, of course, rocks can’t be balanced on top of each other.
You Seem Unfulfilled at Your Job, Building a Facetune App for Dogs
Apathy doesn’t gel with our mission of making dogs better-looking with the transformative power of AI.
Text STOP If Our SMS Rewards Program Is Coming On Too Strong
Text MISS YOU if you're counting down the minutes until you can hold me in your arms.
Maybe Read Me? A Plea from That One Decaying Book in the Little Library
Now the new books tell me that I am no longer in print and all the Borders are gone.
I Suppose You’re All Wondering Why I’ve Gathered You Here
I learned that another billionaire you all despise was going to gather you for a similar dinner next week—and I one upped him!