By Michelle Herron
Males are funny little playthings, aren’t they? If you’re that girl who is looking for true love, you will find the most superb liars and the biggest playas in three galaxies. If you are, however, the girl who is so jaded that she shouts “LIAR!” at the cocks she sees in porn, there will be a line outside your door. This can be a positive thing if you happen to have aspirations of making your fortune via your web cam. This can also be a plus if you just happen to be a horny, little bitch, but I digress.
I have actually been both of those girls (not at the same time, I got that under control with medication).
*Cue blurry looking soap opera memory flashback effects*
I once yearned for my Prince Charming and all the romance of candlelight, roses, and poetry written in my honor and recited while gazing, lovingly, into my eyes. I found, instead, hot wax, dirty sheets, and drunken renditions of “Back That Ass Up.” Ever the optimist, I tried again… and again… and afuckinggain… and one more goddamned time… and THIS BETTER BE IT OR I SWEAR TO JESUS, MARY, AND MOSES I WILL CUT HIS DICK OFF AND MAKE A PENIS SMOOTHIE THAT I FORCE DOWN HIS LYING, CHEATING THROAT! Much heartbreak, a lot of monetary damages, and several restraining orders later, I learned a more mature, albeit slutty, approach to relationships.
Once you learn that pussy equals gold in the male mind, you have the upper hand. Men will do anything to get to it. They will tell you anything. They will do anything for you. They will pretend to like everything you like. Most importantly, they will spend a lot of cash, all in the pursuit of the almighty love canal. Use this wisely, and you come out a very well-coiffed, manicured, babe who turns down more dates than a ten-dollar crack whore in downtown Detroit!
If you’re reading this thinking, “That’s how I wanna roll!” I’m here to help you get there. The secret is in five sexual skills. Master these and the world’s your oyster, babe. Learn to love them, and you can pay someone to eat that oyster for you while you’re out spending her boyfriend’s money!
Skill #1: BLOWJOBS
It is not enough that you go down, you must do it better than the rest. Gag reflexes can be controlled, and if you lose it once in a while, just keep going and tell him how gargantuan his dick is. Swallowing is not a service, it is a requirement. In case of spillage, lick it up while looking into his eyes and moaning like you’re getting a full-body massage from his hot brother. Lastly, suck that cock like it is the last piece of chocolate on planet PMS.
Skill #2: PUSSY
This is your product, learn to love it. Play with it in front of him, preferably while watching lesbian porn. Speaking of lesbians, learn to like the taste of pussy too, because there is nothing hotter than you licking another woman’s clit. This doubles as a lesson in how do it right, and, if you’re lucky, he might even get it right next time.
Skill #3: ANAL
I don’t care what you read in the Kama Sutra, if you have the “exit only” mentality, you aren’t going to score the goods. Standing on your head and fixing him a snack while he pounds you might be a cool halftime trick, but sooner or later, he’s going to want a little backdoor action. On the bright side, if he has a teeny weenie, you’ll hardly notice anyway.
Skill #4: DEVIANCE
I’m not talking about Pulp Fiction-type deviance, even I have boundaries. I’m talking about dressing up, handcuffing him to the bed (NEVER the other way around—I read Gerald’s Game!), pulling out the ole camera, and calling him Thor if that what gets him off. I know some of you are a little camera shy, but think of it as good publicity. Once he’s maxed out the plastic and borrowed all he can from Daddy, Uncle Jim and Grandma, you’ll already have his roommate lined up.
Skill #5: THREESOMES
Okay, in all fairness this could fall into #2 and #4, but it is so important that I believe it deserves its own special place on the list o’ sexual skills. Dicks get hard just hearing a woman say the word threesome. Actually, they get hard when they say it, and when their buddies say it too, but they’ll never admit this. Any gal can agree to a threesome and rock his world—you need to INITIATE the multiple action to really grab his attention. Besides, the sooner he passes out, exhausted, the sooner you can go shopping. Have you seen those cute new boots at the mall?
Cut up the gold card, honey… you’ve got PLATINUM!!