Loyal disciples, autumn is upon us. As we gather in this bless’d parking lot under the Lord’s watchful neon eye, let us give thanks to our great creator Bullseye for the bountiful harvest of fall home décor essentials he’s brought us. We revere his gracious power and salute the Bull Terriers before who’ve portrayed his likeness. Come, indulge in the maple vanilla candles and wicker blanket baskets.
It is right to give thanks and pay.
Yes, my son. The dog on the poster? Not Bullseye, no, just one of the countless dogs who’ve depicted his highness. I believe this one’s name was Winston at a time. Upon their lifetime appointment, they renounce their name and accept a vow of chastity and isolation to fully commit themselves to his image.
Many terriers have dedicated themselves in his name. It’s impossible to know how many…
But I ask you this: Does the beach count the waves that crash? Does the forest count the leaves that fall? Does Bullseye count the blessings he bestows? It is a constant, unending force of nature. So long as his followers remain devout consumers, there shall always be weird-looking dogs to paint red circles on.
Please pass around these pamphlets detailing the new collection. This harvest, the pumpkin-shaped vases come in three colors: burnt umber, golden oak, and nutmeg. Quite an improvement from last year. Through divine intervention, modern farmhouse is officially out. Black accent pieces and easy-care fabrics are in. Also, I encourage those in our congregation who haven’t secured a copy of “All-Seeing Doggy Deity” to pick one up, it’s a perfect cozy coffee table book and shows guests you’re a devoted follower.
During checkout, we will be singing Hymn 78, “Bullseye in the Highest.” Follow along if you know it. If you don’t, lyrics are on page 3 of the pamphlet and it’s to the tune of “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.”
I’ve been informed that this year we’ve been gifted a Halloween costume to dress up our own dogs like Bullseye. The paint is non-toxic but, small disclaimer, your canine will be overcome by a mystical energy and ascend to a power beyond their comprehension. Once they’ve finished speaking in tongues (might sound like barking) and been exorcised of any demons (might look like humping), they will be one in his image.
They’ll look so pious and cute too, perfect for Insta. Please ensure your photos are tasteful, and remove red eyes and red rockets before posting. Sacrilege will result in excommunication.
Nonbelievers will claim Bullseye began in a 1999 American Kennel Club commercial. Blasphemy. That’s only when they started paying attention. Bullseye has always been and always shall be. He appears next to the handprints in the cave paintings of Cáceres. He is the first symbol on the Rosetta Stone. He sits amongst the immortals atop Mount Olympus. Bullseye is an idea, an ancient enigma you could only dream of comprehending. Bullseye is elemental, ever-present, infinite.
Bullseye is everything.
Then suddenly… nothing.
That’s when we get another pooch.
The time has come. The red shirts approach, keys in hand. Lift up your cash, deposit your credit cards into the collection bowl. Raise your chalices of Honeycrisp apple cider and drink deeply in his name. Clasp your buggies, grab another if yours has been damned with a lazy wheel.
Go forth! Partake in the fruits of our devotion. Praise be to Bullseye!