Here at Christianity™, we’ve been all about innovation since our Founder walked on water. Our latest release of Eternal Damnation™ continues that spirit and includes the following additions and improvements:
UPGRADES
- New arrivals to Limbo will receive brand-new iPhones that only show Instagram posts from people who have ascended to Heaven. Those in Limbo will suffer from eternal lifestyle envy as they watch the blessed visit super-cool restaurants under always-flattering lighting. But those in Limbo never suffer the true hell of not having an iPhone.
- In the second circle, those doing penance for lust will be told they can access the same pornography that souls in Heaven get to watch by visiting heavenlylovin.net. Upon reaching that site, they will be told to enter their email address to receive a registration link giving them unlimited access. They’ll check their email, but the link won’t appear. They will hit refresh and hit refresh again. They’ll count the minutes passing by, wondering how slow the heavenlylovin.net server could possibly be. In the enforced self-reflection, they will discover that their lust is born of frustration and self-disgust, but they will be unable to stop. They’ll go back to heavenlylovin.net and enter their email address again, and again the registration link won’t appear. This continues for eternity but they never reach the promised “lovin.”
- Early adopters, who have largely replaced the gluttonous in the fourth circle, will be placed amid heaps of gadgets that stretch to the horizon like great sand dunes. But every single device will be a single release number behind the most current model. The sinners’ own greed will drive them to search endlessly through the piles of phones, tablets, and internet-enabled appliances looking for just one bleeding-edge model, which they will never find.
- Trolls, internet haters, and those who forward racist chain emails will find themselves in a quiet room with a single chair, a table, and a laptop. The computer will show a Twitter feed of informed commentary and analysis of politics and culture written mostly by women. When the trolls become enraged by this material and type a comment or response, such as “you’re so called ‘thoughts’ make me want to vomit,” they’ll find it posts as something banal and encouraging, like “I’m always so glad to hear what you think. Made my day!” The troll will writhe in agony seeing his hatred transmuted into fluff. His torture will become complete when he sees the subject of his wrath reply with a blushing smile emoji. He will tear his own skin with his fingernails and beg for an end. But his feed will keep displaying sensible, well-meaning posts he can do nothing about.
- Those who in life devised false labor-saving devices like self-checkout scanners or automated phone systems will be placed before enormous, lustrous gates that appear to be the entrance to Heaven. The only thing between these sinners and bliss is a simple computerized check-in kiosk. They will approach and first enter their name. The system will ask a number of follow-up questions, all required. They will cover all phases of the sinner’s life and require looking up tax information from any year that ended in a prime number. Just before the sinner is ready to collapse from exhaustion, the screen will turn green and ask if they are prepared to enter Heaven. When they press “Confirm,” the screen will crackle, flash the word “error,” and return to the initial login page. After that, a devil in the guise of a help agent will appear and provide directions that cause the system to crash and need to reboot.
- Climate change deniers, those who sell over-hyped real estate, and those who promote false COVID cures will first be shown into a well-appointed waiting room where they can peruse a glossy brochure that depicts an eternal reward of luxurious baths filled with lavender-scented water. After a few minutes, they'll be ushered through the inner door and into pits of boiling shit. Whenever they scream in agony or otherwise complain, an inspector in a lab coat will approach, perform a careful analysis of the magma-hot feces, and declare that it is in fact lavender-scented water held at a perfect 98 degrees, just as depicted in the brochure.
PATCHES
- Studded leather whips would sometimes tangle and have been replaced with chains.
- Hellfire has been made eight degrees hotter to keep pace with climate change on earth.
- The genital spikes and pincers on levels four through eight can now accommodate those who don’t strictly identify with one gender.
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