The LORD God Delivers Unto Jesus a KPI
1 In the reign of Donald, son of Fred, God came to Jesus in Heaven and said: “Return to mankind, for they are lost. They worship false idols!” 2 Jesus knew God’s infinite wisdom and agreed. 3 Moreover, His heavenly cable package included E! and Bravo, and He had binge watched many of those false idols Himself.
The Parable of the Boulder
4 Jesus returned to Earth, where the pious flocked to His side. 5 But His followers wondered, “How shall we reach those whose hearts have turned to stone against us?” 6 Jesus replied, “Can a thousand stones not be carried away in the wake of a single boulder?” 7 His followers grumbled: “wherever shall we find a boulder? This is Brentwood.” 8 Jesus looked upon them and asked, “Can boulders not be carved out of rock with patience and faith?”
Followers Beget Followers
9 When that line didn’t work, Jesus said, “Oh, for Chri—for Me-sake! It’s like you people don’t know anything about influencer marketing. It’s simple. We’ll get people with the biggest social media followings—like, I dunno, a Kardashian—to post about Me and God. Then their followers shall become our followers! 10 All false idols shall be conscripted! I shall fulfill my KPIs for the LORD!”
A Trial in the Kingdom of Kardashianites
11 Jesus set forth to the Hills of Beverly in a humble Corolla, which He had borrowed from Randy, His 13th apostle. 12 Through a land of dust and fire and low-density urban sprawl He sought the tribe of Kardashian and their followers—for the glory of the LORD God.
13 After much gridlock on the 405, Jesus reached the compound of the Kardashians and beseeched their attendants to allow Him entry. 14 But they glanced at Jesus without truly seeing Him, for Jesus mostly played to an older demographic. 15 “Are you homeless? Get lost,” they said.
16 As Jesus writhed with the pain of the spurned and the downtrodden, Satan came and whispered his succulent lies. 17 “Give up!” the devil sneered. 18 “Never,” Jesus said, “for does God not teach us that earnest work in the gig economy shall bear righteous fruit? I’ll just be an Uber driver and cruise around these Hills; I’m bound to meet a Kardashian at some point.”
The Ministry of Uber
19 Jesus picked up many passengers and ministered sweetly to them about which interstates lead to God, and which to LAX. 20 When passengers saw Jesus’ Uber rating, which was a 4.9, they worshipped at his feet.
21 But he never forgot his influencer marketing strategy. 22 And on the 57th day of Ubering, His heart quickened as He witnessed the sign that He had prayed to Almighty God to deliver: a Kardashian had hailed his Uber. 23 Into his Corolla stepped Kim; and while Jesus would have preferred the more topical Kylie or Kendall, He loved all of God’s creations equally.
Jesus Seeks to Deliver Kim
24 “Woman,” Jesus began, “where shall I deliver you?” 25 Kim never looked up from her phone, but directed Jesus to the Viceroy L’Ermitage. 26 “Er, I mean,” Jesus repeated, “where shall I deliver your eternal soul?” 27 Kim replied, “Um, yeah, that needs to go the Viceroy, too.”
28 Jesus had faced non-believers and skeptics before, but this was as great a test as God had ever given Him. 29 He fixed His mind on the Kim’s legions of followers that might be turned to God. 30 His resolve hardened, becoming equal to that of the rock.
31 “Do you not know my face?” asked Jesus. “My words must be tweeted to all your followers!” 32 Kim detached from her phone long enough to peer at Jesus’ face in the rearview. 33 Pointing at her screen, she said, “It says here your name is Jesús. I don’t know why I’d post about some Mexican Uber driver.” 34 Then, like all those who ignore the call of God, she buried her head once more.
Toyotas Into Teslas
35 Jesus decided that Kim must be made to see a sign of His power. 36 Spying her water bottle, he transformed it into a La Croix. “There!” He said. 37 Kim took a sip, swished a little, and frowned. “I only like Pampelmousse,” she said. 38 Neck craning, Jesus searched for an even bigger canvas upon which to paint a miracle, and, with a tap on the dash, he turned Randy’s Toyota into a Tesla.
39 “The power of a loving God eclipses even that of Elon Musk!” Jesus cried. 40 Kim touched the leather seat beneath her as if it were fish rotting in the sun. 41 “Ew, what is this? A Model S?” Kim asked. 42 Sweating with righteous exertion, Jesus prepared a final miracle to sway Kim. 43 He clasped his hands as if in prayer then swiftly pulled them asunder; the sea of traffic on the 405 parted before them. 44 “Do you—do you believe now?” Jesus said, panting. 45 Kim looked up: “I believe I’m gonna be late. Can’t you hurry it up?” she said.
An Honest to God Conversation
46 Jesus realized that it was time to place His cards on the table. “Let me level with you,” He said, 47 “I’m Jesus. Son of God. My Old Man asked me to return get the message out—and if I don’t there’s probably literal Hell to pay. 48 You’ve got a ton of followers—maybe more than me—so I wondered if you’d do a sponsored post for my Jesus Brand. 49 I’ll throw in eternal salvation? And the ride’s comped, no questions asked.”
50 As He spoke His honest words, Kim jerked her head up sharply. Her face was etched with confusion. 51 “Wait, so, you’re Jesus?” she asked, incredulous. 52 “But my husband said he’s the Second Coming?”