How could I let this happen again? The Canadian alternative rock band Barenaked Ladies is once more taking legal action against me. Seriously, guys? Didn’t you get enough out of me the first time?
I am disappointed, to say the least. It’s no secret that I’ve been a casual Barenaked Ladies fan in the past, this being before they took me to court for all I had. Who wouldn’t be amused by their quick-witted rhymes and northern charm? At one juncture, Barenaked Ladies even inspired me to make some of my own sweet music. Hence the lawsuits.
At the time of the first legal conflict, my band Barenaked Legacy had been selling CDs like there was no tomorrow. It is truly regretful that the megalomaniacs in Barenaked Ladies’ camp could not simply be happy for my success. But what I can’t wrap my mind around is why they feel the need to take this matter to court again. We’ve been through it all before, so why do Barenaked Ladies’ scores of experienced lawyers continue sending me extraneous documents entitled “SLIP AND FALL LAWSUIT, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR BAND”?
I know what this is about, alright? Just another example of Barenaked Ladies trying to leech off of the little guy. I already learned my lesson and I fully acknowledge that my band, Barenaked Legacy, has been known to touch on themes that are common to Barenaked Ladies. I never denied that there’s some vague similarities, except in the first trial in front of a jury of my peers.
For the love of God, please stop saying this is about anything other than Barenaked Legacy. I don’t know what a “slip and fall” is but I won’t let you confuse me with your legal jargon.
Let me tell you, there’s a little something in the biz that Barenaked Ladies hasn’t discovered yet: parallel thinking. Sure, I can understand some of the confusion between my own hit songs and a couple of the more popular Barenaked Ladies tracks. I’d like to get ahead of rumors that my new single encroaches on Barenaked Ladies’s intellectual property. My song, “If I Didn’t Owe $1000000” is not a rip-off of “If I Had $1000000,” but a soulful anthem which is actually based on my experience with the first trial.
For the last time, you don’t own my experiences, Barenaked Ladies.
Riddle me this: how do you think it made me feel watching Barenaked Ladies move into my house, drive my Honda Civic, and drop my kids off at school following the disaster that was the previous lawsuit? The only thing I have left is my Barenaked Legacy merch pop-up shop which used to be a chemicals factory and before that a coal mine. And now Barenaked Ladies is back, sending lawyers to my door to tell me that I’m being sued for a slip and fall incident that took place on that very property the evening of June 17 and not because of Barenaked Legacy.
What kind of mind games are they playing?
I’m at a loss. I’ve never been sued by another beloved Canadian music group before. I got along famously with The Tragically Hip. I jammed out with Rush literally all the time. I even kissed the lead guy from Nickelback on the mouth. Those bands know how to use their words and not their extensive legal team. It’s just Barenaked Ladies that carries this absurd grudge against me and refuses to ever let it go!
I seriously thought we had sorted it out. Barenaked Ladies even came into my store a few months ago to make amends after the first suit. They were going to shake my hand and drink my wine before they slipped and fell in the store due to negligence on my part. We could’ve had peace, but boy did being in full body casts rub them the wrong way. I’m not surprised they’re hungry for revenge. And they know exactly where to hit me hardest—Barenaked Legacy.
Don’t they know who I am? I’m not some sort of delinquent who sets up a tent and pees in an empty water bottle outside the Canadian Juno Awards, which are basically like the Grammy Awards but for Canada.
Sometimes I do imagine what would’ve happened if Barenaked Ladies hadn’t slipped and fallen due to the poor conditions of my shabby little store. Maybe they wouldn’t have brought up this Barenaked Ladies v. Barenaked Legacy nonsense again. Maybe they would’ve called off their dogs. Maybe we could’ve been friends.