Simple Rules to Get a Reservation at Our Trendy Restaurant

Thank you for your interest in our glamorous new restaurant, which is named something like “Funky Susan’s.” We’re thrilled that you want to come join us for a meal!

If you read our profile in The HypeEats Digest, you undoubtedly know that despite our commitment to elevated ingredients and redefining the modern dining experience, our top priority is being accessible to our community. To that end, we want to make sure it’s seamless, streamlined, and straightforward to book your visit with us. Just follow the simple instructions below:

1. New reservations are released four times a year at exactly 2:01 AM on the Winter Solstice, the Summer Solstice, the Spring Equinox, and Armistice Day. All times are tracked by a sundial outside our Brooklyn Heights location.
2. We don’t accept reservations for parties smaller than four or larger than six—unless you hope to join us on a Sunday, in which case, we only accept reservations for parties larger than ten.
3. We are able to accommodate the vast majority of allergies and dietary restrictions, including the Atkins’ Diet, the Keto Diet, and some (but not all) Nut Allergies. However, we do ask that you present a digitized doctor’s note prior to booking your reservation so that we have ample time to prepare.
4. As you surely have heard, we pride ourselves on offering a pre-fixe menu of nine courses and never repeating a dish twice. Please do not ask to see the menu in advance. Any such inquiries will automatically forfeit your table and incur a cancellation fee of $100 per course and our attractive chef yelling, “Shame on you!”
5. In order to give you updates regarding your table, we’ll just need a little bit of contact information. Be prepared to share your email, cell phone, and home address. Please also provide your birth certificate, social security card, an up-to-date I-9 form, and a deck of mint-condition Tarot cards from a wizened but beautiful psychic.
6. Reservations must be made in person. Visit our website at the aforementioned time, and for exactly 60 seconds you will have access to the longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates of an undisclosed location somewhere in the Western Hemisphere. You will have 17 hours to get there. All members of your party must be present.
7. Once you arrive at the specified location—which changes quarterly—you will be placed in alphabetical order by middle name. Thereafter, our servers will sort interested parties into four categories of fighter by weight class. Each party will be sent into the arena in head-to-head match-ups with only a kitchen knife and three small rocks. The victors will remain in consideration; the losers may perish.
8. Following the test of physical strength, reservation seekers will participate in a test of brains. Each party will be given a designated desk in a high school gym, where they will have four hours to complete a 2016 ACT, a 2017 LSAT, and a proof of the Riemann Hypothesis. We ask that you refrain from using cell phones and respect the intentional ambience of the space. Calculators are permitted.
9. After securing your reservation, your party must uphold a strict gag order. Each member of your party will sign a series of NDAs, according to which, under no circumstances will you disclose the date, time, or location of your reservation. Dare to say one word and you jeopardize the integrity of our entire reservation system—nay, the human project itself. Failure to comply will result in swift legal actions; we will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.
10. No dogs.

Please either follow the instructions above, or feel free to make a modest donation of $10,000 to join our private, members-only dining club. We look forward to feeding you soon!