Greetings,
For those already cuffed during an especially difficult cuffing season, we invite you to bring your fights about nothing, joint bank accounts, and why you're following certain coworkers on Instagram out of your home and to our beautiful, fifty-acre getaway upstate. Here, you'll forget that one of you watched The Forty-Year-Old Version without the other, as you enjoy a daily home-cooked breakfast, go on a long hike and make an empty plan to “get out to nature” more often, or ride two of the dozens of centaurs we keep on-site.
There are many things that make Branbury Farms a special place: our waterfall overlook, our LSD sauna, and the numerous mythical creatures that we acquired through means as mysterious to you as they are forbidden to speak of by us. These creatures are perfectly friendly, provided you never approach one at night, avoid eye contact, wear the special amulet you'll be provided during check-in, and ignore the whispers that seem to be heard only on the edge of dream.
Curious to learn more? Let our four-legged friends teach you about their traditions, long history, or the way to make the best apple cider you've ever had (a Branbury guarantee). In the mood for adventure? Let one of our farmhands cast a spell that will allow you to safely climb onto one of our friends and explore the grounds. Laugh, hold hands, and remember why you fell in love while you literally ride on magical creatures. In the event that your centaur should scream or beg for death, you should feel honored! That's just their funny way of telling you they're happy to provide you a lift.
After the sun begins to set and we've locked you inside the building, the fun really begins! Make new friends in our state-of-the-art karaoke bar! Let the sparks fly or swing the night away with those same friends in our non-judgmental hot tub room! If you're in the mood for campfires and stargazing, we've outfitted each suite with an unbreakable glass dome and a fire pit with everything preassembled. We've even put in some trees and bushes so you can sneak away and pretend you're making love in nature.
You might notice that none of the rooms have windows. This is because some of our centaurs would miss being around humans and stare at them for hours. However, this did make it easier to fire-proof the outside, which was a real headache when the centaurs would make torches and surround the building.
This may sound like our grounds are unsafe, or that we have a deeply tentative relationship with our mythical friends, but that couldn't be further from the truth. For example, some of you may wonder if our no pets policy is because the centaurs would eat your animal, leaving only the bones. In all actuality, centaurs are terrified of dogs and cats, so our policy is in the interest of keeping them calm, and helping them do the best job when working with you. This being said, please avoid going anywhere near the blacked-out areas on the grounds map.
Our goal at Branbury Farms is to provide every couple with an unforgettable romantic weekend, and dispel some of the awful myths about the hatred centaurs have for humans (those murder rumours* are simply untrue!), and to make humans more woke to the centaur situation. For example, did you know that they're all fluent in Dutch, run the biggest Fleetwood Mac fanclub in the world, and were forced to live in the woods because they refused to conform to 15th-century expectations of what half-human half-horses should be? We bet you didn't, and you're welcome.
So, if you're looking for a one-of-a-kind experience to share with your lover, partner, or legally-mandated companion, please spend it with us here at Branbury Farms!
*Some have speculated that Josh, the centaur that used to work the front desk, is no longer on-site because he killed several humans. In truth, Josh got hired to manage the Hilton just down the road, and was not turned into glue.