Stop! Please Read These Very Specific Instructions Before Using Our Toilet!

Howdy! You are about to use our vacation rental’s bathroom. The toilet’s a bit finicky, so we’ve placed this sign here to loop you in on a few gentle requests as far as your general lavatory behavior.

1. Please do not jiggle the flusher. It is completely normal for the toilet to run for several hours at extremely high volumes. Messing with the handle will only make it louder.
2. If you go number one, please complete an entry in the Urination Log. Be sure to sign your complete name.
3. Please do not flush any toilet paper. All toilet paper must be disposed of via the incinerator. It’s at the neighbor’s place. Just knock and say you’ve got TP to burn. Please be ready to prove that the paper is indeed soiled. Tony has little patience for freeloading incinerator enthusiasts.
4. Do not stay on the toilet for extended periods. By minute three or four you’re risking a nasty bite.
5. Please do not flush any feminine products. This is an antique commode, manufactured at a time when such items were not allowed indoors. If you attempt to flush a pad or tampon, the toilet will vehemently reject it, resulting in a violent geyser and a very expensive roof repair.
6. Sorry this list is so long! If you are still reading, we appreciate you peering behind the tank to read the whole thing. Thank you for your efforts. (And if you are a veteran, thank you for your service.)
7. If you feel like you may be coming down with some diarrhea, you must put the toilet in diarrhea mode. For your convenience, we have recently installed a voice-activated receiver. The password is “I am ready to do my diarrhea.” You will need to speak very loudly. Failure to put the toilet in diarrhea mode will cause major overflow onto the bleach-white carpet.
8. For regular number two, please sit on the toilet backwards, saying “Look at me, I’m riding my Kawasaki Ninja! Vroom, vroom!”
9. Please use only the provided single-ply made from recycled butcher paper. Double ply is too hard on Tony’s incinerator.
10. The toilet is not in a good place from around December until March. During this time, it will not respond to your flush commands, though it might muster a brief whoosh if you show it that you care.
11. In the Urination Log, please estimate your urine output in ounces only. For our European guests, we’ve printed a helpful conversion chart on the bottom of the tank lid.
12. Please do not flush any goat blood during a full moon.
13. Please don’t flush any drugs of abuse down the toilet. Do you really want to be the reason it loses its five-year chip? Doing drugs around the toilet is fine, though. The toilet is still chill, man. It’s not gonna judge you. Do a line off of it. It won’t, like, freak out and go on a bender or something, haha.
14. When you are done, please following this rating system to assign our toilet a score:
    • Excellent (4): Complete flushing with minimal spritz.
    • Good (3): Complete flushing but substantial droplet output. [Note: If this problem persists, check the wicker basket for goggles.]
    • Fair (2): Flushes but it does that weird thing where the water turns black and starts boiling.
    • Poor (1): You and the toilet go plummeting through the floorboards.
15. If the butcher paper TP causes anal irritation, various creams and balms are available. Just go tell Tony your specific symptoms and he will let you borrow the appropriate one.
16. Given that this toilet has never left the house, it is not fully aware of the scope and breadth of the known universe. Please refrain from regaling the toilet with tales of your adventures in faraway lands. This will only cause the toilet to reflect on its own impotence, the sheer impossibility of escape from its situation, the meaninglessness of its literal shit-sucking existence.
17. That said, our toilet loves nothing more than a good challenge. So go for it, punk. Do your worst.

Thank y’all so much for gracing our toilet with your waste! We hope that your bowels and/or bladder are voided with little to no difficulty or strain.

And don’t forget to wash your hands! Flip the mirror for instructions on how to use the sink with minimal blood loss.