Despite deep cultural and political fissures, Americans from all walks of life are unified by their instinct to short the government whenever possible. Tax avoidance is an American rite of passage: to engage in which signals the end of one’s “sucker-phase” and the beginning of the “I’ve made it” era. The dream of a white picket fence and three-car-garage is now a tax return that reduces your total taxable income to a number fit for a 12-year old who mows lawns on the weekends.
You may think it takes a sizable net worth and stable of financial advisors to maintain this now-you-see-me, now-you-don’t magic show with your money, but thankfully there are loopholes in the tax code that allow even ordinary Americans to leverage their earnings against funding their government. Highlighted below are common maneuvers you can employ to reduce your tax burden for the coming fiscal year.
LIMITED LIABILITY CHILDREN
If you and your partner are weighing the options of starting a family, consider incorporating your offspring as Limited Liability Children. LLC’s entitle you to deduct childrearing expenses regardless of your child’s market value or quarterly earnings. The added benefit of “limited liability” means you are off the hook legally should your LLC dissolve, go bankrupt, or otherwise merge with the parent corporation, becoming one giant multigenerational mutant human.
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY EXEMPTION
The more exemptions you claim, the less gets deducted from your paycheck. Most single, mentally stable Americans claim 0 or 1 exemption on their W-4; however, with the Multiple Personality Exemption, you can rack up the dependents without getting red-flagged. Each split personality verified by a mental health professional allows you to claim an additional exemption up to the maximum-allotted 34, at which point you would need to be admitted for further psychiatric evaluation. Use MPE to your advantage and consider deducting expenses incurred from dealing with your various characters.
DEATH INSURANCE CONTRIBUTIONS
The alternative to life insurance, death insurance entitles policyholders to compensation should they continue to remain alive. Families are only responsible for premium payments should the policyholder die, in which case all payments are tax-exempt. Consider your options with death insurance: the payout ratio of what you take while you are alive is inversely related to how hard the insurance company will try to kill you.
OFF-SHORE MATTRESS
Who said off-shore accounts were just for the rich and well-connected? The same loophole that allows billionaires to stash their profits in the Cayman Islands also affords you the ability to stash your savings tax-free underneath an off-shore mattress. Minimum deposits start at $50 and cap when the pillows touch the ceiling.
TREEHOUSE MORTGAGE DEDUCTION
Homeowners who take out loans to build a treehouse in the backyard are entitled to deduct principal payments until their kids start making out with boys in the treehouse. The costs associated with constructing a treehouse have skyrocketed over the years, so signing a 100K+ treehouse mortgage is an easy way to reduce your total taxable income. Those who rent or do not have backyards can still request a Temporary Treehouse Exemption Waiver if they choose to build a treehouse in the canopy of a previously unclaimed public tree and don’t fuck in it.
529 TATTOO SAVINGS PLAN
If you are saving up for a giant shoulder-to-shoulder back tattoo of an eagle driving a monster truck, you are eligible to put your money in a 529 Tattoo Savings Account. These accounts are traded on the ink exchange and accrue approximately 3-4% interest annually. For those who have zero intention of ever getting a tattoo, you should still open an account for the generous interest rate—the only hurdle will be providing cold-feet documentation when tax season rolls around.
ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY
Thanks to section 4.2 of Congress’ latest Highway Improvement Act, taxpayers are now able to claim adopted highways as family dependents. There is no ceiling on how many highways you can adopt, but anything over 8 requires you to register with the Highway Foster Program. While the tax benefits are generous, this unfortunately opens up the possibility of being assigned random roads and dirt paths without your approval.
IRA INVESTMENTS
Foreign allegiances change often, and our current tax code favors the Irish Republican Army. Contributions to the IRA, capped annually at $6,000, are tax-free—not to mention the added benefit of compound interest, which will grow your money over time as the Pope consolidates his power in Rome and attempts to reclaim the Anglican Rite. IRA contributions are among the smartest strategies to lower your total taxable income while still saving the trinity from further adulteration.
LIVESTOCK SUBSIDY
Savvy farmers understand that livestock are assets which depreciate in value over time. Luckily, expenses associated with feeding and sheltering working animals are reimbursed by the Department of Agriculture. What this means for non-farmers is that you can feasibly apply for a Livestock Subsidy provided you keep detailed documentation of your dairy-dog, herding-cat, guard-fish, or draught-hamster, and how the maintenance costs affect your household’s bottom line. With proper training and guidance, any animal can be a working animal, so is the feral coyote living in the park behind the middle school a wild animal, or a contracted employee working remotely? The choice is yours!