1. The Christmas Engagement
Backstory
A very nervous dude in an itchy sweater proposes to his girlfriend on Christmas. She’s over the moon and the rest of the family is mostly thrilled except for a few spiteful cousins who later discuss in the kitchen as they’re putting ham into Tupperware that the engagement “kind of ruined” the holiday and that it’s “pretty selfish to make Christmas about them because it’s about like Jesus and whatever.”
The Photo
Not-so-candid “candid” photo by the tree of the bride-to-be looking up at her groom like he’s on a ladder even though he’s only two inches taller than her.
Caption
“All I wanted for Christmas was him…and now he’s mine forever!”
#isaidyes #engaged #santawasgoodtome
(Typing that last hashtag made my skin crawl. There's something about adult women referencing Santa in any kind of romantic or sensual way that makes me feel like I just ate gas station sushi.)
“Likes” Statistics
- 10% of “likes” received are from people who genuinely love this couple and are happy for them
- 40% of “likes” received are from people who hope that this grand gesture will get them an invite to the wedding
- 20% of “likes” received are from people who don’t even like the couple that much but know they’ll be invited to the wedding and they don’t want to be stuck at the weird table of misfit uncles so they throw them a “like” to save themselves
- 20% of “likes” received are from bitter girlfriends who are still waiting for a ring from their dudes so they angrily double tap that picture in hopes of planting the not-so-subtle seed
2. The New Year’s Resolution
Backstory
A guy from your high school who still goes to all the football games even though he graduated 11 years ago and only watches movies set in Boston has an epiphany. He accidentally ran over a raccoon on his way to The Vitamin Shoppe and instantly developed a new appreciation for life and all its possibilities.
Sure, in the past he had a YouTube channel dedicated to pranking the elderly and yeah, maybe he very recently sold his nephew’s violin to pay for his public urination ticket…but that’s the old him. He has a new perspective, and he’s going to make that known to the world by posting some kind of vague quote that indicates he’ll be turning over a new leaf without explaining how in the hell he plans to do that.
The Photo
A Google-imaged sunset accompanied by a generic quote about karma or redemption or never backing down.
Caption
“New year, new me. I’m finally seeing clearly now, and this year I’m going to cease any opportunity that I can”
#newyearnewme #dontbackdown #inspired
(No one bothers to tell him that it’s “seize” not “cease” but it’s fine because that’s honestly the least of his problems.)
“Likes” Statistics
- 30% of “likes” received are from people who are as delusional as this guy
- 50% of “likes” received are from people who are liking it ironically
- 20% of “likes” received are from concerned family and friends who think he might be on the verge of a breakdown
3. The Post-Holiday Fitspiration
Backstory
A physically fit man or woman whose entire identity is consumed by fitness hashtags and never taking days off decided to “indulge” over the holidays by eating one spoonful of mashed potatoes and smelling a pecan pie. Now, he or she is feeling the regret and shame associated with eating food that actually tastes good.
So they vow to get back on the fitness wagon and subtly shame the people who gained two pant sizes in one sitting.
The Photo
The fitness guru clad in Spandex everything attempting to repeatedly tip over the biggest fucking tire you’ve ever seen. Like, this is a comically large tire.
The Caption
“Holiday weight started to catch up to me, so I had to get back on the grind. Never stop striving for greatness”
#fitfam #nodaysoff #nopainnogain #fitspo #fit #workout #fitnessaddict
(I’d keep listing the fitness related hashtags but I have plans in 2018 so I don’t really have time.)
“Likes” Statistics
- 100% of “likes” received are from people who hate this person’s guts (while simultaneously wishing they had their abs)