So your child broke one of their favorite toys in a typical fit of toddler madness. While adults often experience five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—these are the 50 stages, give or take 20, you can expect and help your developing child transition through as they try to cope with their sudden loss.
Denial — They will try to put their toy back together, not realizing or refusing to believe it is irreparably broken.
Willfulness — They will slam the pieces of their broken toy together, attempting to fix it, breaking it even more.
Elation — They will gaze upon the wreckage of their toy with excitement and thrill at what their power has wrought.
Megalomania — Intoxicated by their own destructive potential they will look around for more things to annihilate, spending an uncomfortable amount of time sizing you up.
Remorse — They will feel bad for wanting to smash you.
Pity — They will take a moment to ponder how sad it must be for fragile things like toys and parents that stand no chance against their awesome strength.
Magnanimity — They will decide to use their power for good, not evil, starting with their toys.
Hunger — They will suddenly want to eat something blue, but not blueberries. Blue.
Joy — You somehow managed to find food that is their favorite color and they are eating it!
Anxiety — Something is amiss. What was happening before snack?
Dread — They remember having done something terrible.
Horror — Their toy! What happened to their toy!?
Shock — They will projectile vomit when they see their favorite toy in pieces.
Nostalgia — They will wistfully remember the good times they had with the toy, before it was broken and covered in vomit.
Schaundefraude — They will briefly have an out of body experience and believe the broken toy situation is happening to someone else. They will laugh at this other person's misfortune.
Indignation — They will return to their personal point of view and take offense at their self mockery.
Betrayal — The toy betrayed them by breaking!
Self Loathing — No, it is they who betrayed the toy.
Anger — They will reach a tipping point and just start screaming.
Rage — Their anger will boil over into white hot rage. Someone, everyone will pay for this! More things will break!
Cartoonish Fury — Although you know it is physically impossible, steam will appear to shoot out of your child's ears and they will whirl around like the Tasmanian Devil in a tiny tornado of emotional destruction.
Complete Loss of Shit — Your child will tantrum so hard animals will scatter as if fleeing from a natural disaster. Car alarms for miles around will go off. Your ears will start ringing and you will momentarily black out.
Freaky Friday — You will suddenly be looking at yourself through your child's eyes and they will be looking at themself through your eyes. The sensation will only last an instant but the two of you will gain valuable insight from the experience.
Exhaustion — Your child will projectile vomit and then keel over. They will lay motionless, but alert.
Thirst — They will suddenly want to drink something blue. When you hesitate to think to what could possibly fit the bill they will insist. Blue.
Satisfaction — You ran to the store and found some sort of sugary blue drink. Their capricious desires have once again been fulfilled.
Bargaining — If a blue drink can be conjured, something can be done about this broken toy situation.
Determination — Perhaps if they just break enough other toys they can find the parts necessary to fix the broken toy.
Regret — Breaking all of these other toys was a mistake.
Confusion — What makes toys unbroken? How do birds fly? Where does the moon go during the day? Why must children destroy what they love? When does Daniel Tiger come on?
Awe — The world is amazing and unknowable.
Fear — The unknowableness of the world is terrifying.
Hopeless Pessimism — The only thing you can count on is in this big crazy world is your favorite toy breaking.
Depression — Life sucks without their toy.
Existential Terror — All their favorite toys will eventually break and they are powerless to prevent it.
Ennui — They are sick of all of these overwhelming feelings.
Profound Numbness — If they don't feel, broken toys cannot hurt them.
Transcendence — They will rise above petty attachment to material things.
Mysterious Metamorphosis — Their eye will twitch slightly as they undergo some unknowable cognitive transformation caused by this ordeal. They will projectile vomit a little bit but won't seem to notice.
Realization — This panoply of emotions they experience is what makes them alive.
Calm — The emotional storm has passed. For the time being.
Triumph — Not only is their physical power unmatched, their emotional power is complete and under control.
Hygge — Your child will experience the Danish term for coziness and contentment by just being in their home with you.
Acceptance — Their toy entertained them once but it's gone now. Time to move on.
Denial 2 — No its not! It can still be fixed!
Anger 2 — IT CAN STILL BE FIXED!!
Bargaining 2 — It can still be fixed…
Depression 2 — It can't be fixed…
Acceptance 2 — They accept the replacement toy you purchase for them.
Love — They will hug you and tell you you're as good as blue for making everything right again. All will be serene for several seconds before they break something else. Savor it.