Nevada for Joe Leadership Team,
The Nevada primary is right around the corner and this pizza party thing is going tits up. I know VP has his heart set on this and won’t be convinced otherwise that there’s a better way to connect with today’s youth, so I understand we’ve got to pull it together. Given the complete disaster of Iowa and New Hampshire, we can’t afford to blow this one. Here are some of the issues I’m running into trying to get it done.
Problem number one: I have called around to every college in the state of Nevada trying to find someone who is willing to host us. Everyone is on board until they hear the name of the event, and then suddenly they’re all booked up. I know he is trying to target young people voting in their first elections, but we have to convince him that “Virgin Voters for Biden” is not how we want to brand this event. Even the Las Vegas campus of University of Phoenix turned us down and remember, they will accept literally anyone into their programs!
Second problem is the entertainment. VP keeps asking me to book Rosemary Clooney to perform a version of “Come On-A My House” with the lyrics changed to “Coming to the White House.” I have tried explaining multiple times that, sadly, Ms. Clooney passed away in 2002, so we won’t be able to book her for the event. VP just keeps saying, “Man, she’s got one heckuva set pipes, huh?” To make matters worse, every cool band that our target demographic would actually want to see is flocking to other candidates. Bernie somehow pulled in Vampire Weekend and Bon Iver? The guy’s practically got Coachella campaigning for him. He also got The Strokes. Our candidate is more likely to have an actual stroke. At this point, people, we’d be lucky to get Hoobastank.
I’m also going to need assistance reeling in VP on the expectations for what, exactly, we'll be delivering here. I was expecting us to just pick up a stack of 30 or so pizzas from Domino's. Everyone can eat as much as they want, and we're not blowing a huge chunk of our budget. Yesterday, VP asked me what it would take to spell out his plan to strengthen collective bargaining rights for union employees in pepperoni on a giant pizza. I suggested this might not be feasible and he said he would settle for spelling it out in black olives if necessary. Hoping he will just forget he brought this up.
Okay, so let's assume the stars align and we've got the auditorium at University of Phoenix, Hoobastank rocks out, and VP has forgotten about the pepperoni policy poster plan. Next problem is that VP said he knew a hip young person who would help him connect with the urban youth. Turned out that the “hip and young” individual was a 63-year-old equities trader who once watched an episode of “Flavor of Love.” Now VP wants to perform a rap (!) at the beginning of his speech. Here's how it opens:
Yo yo yo, it's Joey B here keepin' it real
With a moderate approach to a Green New Deal
I know we're spread thin as it is, but we need a full time staffer to prevent VP from rapping about his plan to “get jiggy with his homies in NATO.” And speaking of which, here are the other high-level roles I need for the pizza party, assuming it gets off the ground.
Old-Man-Breath Control: This is already a tough job, and Lord knows I got an earful from the Warren team about how we were trying to sabotage her during the last debate. The VP specifically requested garlic knots, so this is a Defcon 5 situation. One Listerine Pocket Pack ain't gonna cut it.
Keeping VP Awake: Let's try to stick to gentle shaking, but I do have a special Power of Attorney from Jill that gives us permission to poke him with a thumbtack as a last resort. Honestly, though, we may need a cattle prod.
Biden Blooper Bleeper: If you hear the VP about to say something embarrassing, sneeze, cough, or sing showtunes. Whatever it takes, and don't hesitate. We don't need another “poor kids are just as bright as white kids” situation.
Reminding VP Where He Is: Self-explanatory, but does get exhausting after the first ten or so times.
Transportation Distraction: We can't have VP insisting on driving the No Malarkey bus again and have him pooting down I-515 at 20 miles per hour. I've loaded up the bus with some DVDs of “Gunsmoke” and a documentary on steam engines. Someone needs to park him in front of the TV and make sure he stays there until the bus arrives safely.
Really hoping people step up and volunteer for these jobs this time, guys. It's gonna look great on your law school applications, I swear. I even made a Polident and butterscotch candy run when we were in Des Moines a few weeks back, so remember we're all making sacrifices.
I'll keep pulling strings to see what I can do, but to summarize, it's gonna need to be a team effort to make this pizza party happen. We may not be able to have the Team Joe app for Android, but surely we can feed Nevadans some pizza without it being too much of a trainwreck, right?
Trying his hardest to save the soul of the country,
Greg Schultz
Campaign Manager, Biden 2020