Alternative Non-Fiction (formerly known as “Fiction”)
The loser librarians and the failing Dewey Decimal System are spreading lies about what is and isn’t fiction. They and their #FAKEBOOKS are the enemy of the American reader. SAD!
Animallegory (formerly known as “Children’s Section”)
The lion is Jesus. Unless there are two lions, in which case it’s probably a Macbeth thing. Likely at least one Trump or Hitler animal, probably something kids wouldn’t pick up on, like a Gold-Throated Warbler, hamfistedly named Tronald Dump.
Anti-Social Sciences (formerly known as “Social Sciences”)
The epic sagas of our time that will be sung of in florid language by future skalds: like the weekend that Tammy’s Twitter feed was taken over by a troll, or that time Ed posted, “I don’t know, I just don’t think gay people should get married” on Facebook.
Autoselfieism (formerly known as “Autobiography”)
Not to be confused with conventional selfieism, which requires the use of a “selfie stick” (formerly known as a “ghost writer”).
Discouraged Careers (formerly known as “Music, Film & Performing Arts”)
The perfect gift for that special young person in your life to suggest that while you understand their hopes and dreams, you don’t support them.
Erotic Agriculture (formerly known as “Romance”)
The amours between Peter and Isabella were forbidden; she was a passionate heiress, he, somehow, the only worker on her father’s villa.
Humor (formerly known as “Current Affairs & Politics”)
From raucous tales about the defunding of our global warming initiative, to the side-splitting victimization of Muslims. The feel-good hit of the summer!
Instagram Captions (formerly known as “Poetry”)
More often than not just prose with unconventional line breaks.
Law (formerly known as “Religion”)
Leisure reading for any seminarian you may know who is hoping to recalibrate his career to wind up a disgraced local congressman.
Naan Fiction (formerly known as “Cooking and Food”)
Read the unbelievable true story of the chef who, with nothing but luck, heart, and $1,230.00 worth of niche cooking machinery, crafted the perfect gnocchi burrata. A tale for the ages.
Present and Future Intellectual Properties of Disney (formerly known as “Science Fiction & Fantasy”)
Get a head start on the stories that will mold a generation—one generation of the Disney CEO’s family, to be exact, who will be fed off of the money from each book/film/merchandise line.
Rebel Without a Clause
Poorly-structured Young Adult fiction.