Welcome, foolish mortals (with emphasis on mortal), to the Haunted Mansion.
I am your host, your ghost host.
Kindly step all the way in please, and make room for everyone. Six feet is a moot point for this group. No turning back now!
Our tour begins here in this gallery, where you see paintings of some of our guests as they appeared in their corruptible, mortal state, not unlike your own at this moment.
You do realize this, correct? That you’re inherently susceptible to novel, airborne viruses that could lead to your premature but inevitable death?
No?
You aren’t concerned about this?
Not about those around you either?
I sense particularly ghoulish vibes in this group.
You may begin to feel as though this room is stretching. Is it just your imagination? Or, is your sense of perception dulled due to vague but ever-present body aches and a slowly rising fever?
Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. If only this had reached you earlier—perhaps during the no-fee cancellation period for this trip.
May I recommend a trip to the Liberty Square medical station instead of venturing further? You say you’ll be okay? I mean I really think it would be best for the group if you… Well as you wish.
And don't be alarmed if one of our residents decides to “hang around” before our journey starts. I don't intend to frighten you prematurely. The real chills come later. Generally 24-48 hours after the initial symptoms set in.
Now, as they say, “look alive.” Is that the best you can do?
Oh… it is. Oh my.
I shall have you know there are several prominent ghosts who have retired here from creepy old crypts all over the world. Actually, we have 999 happy haunts here—but there’s room for 1,000. Any volunteers?
Wow, that’s quite a few volunteers! What a spirited group! And I would know a thing or two about spirits! Yes, even the dead aren’t immune to making a pun now and then. Ah, perhaps “immune” was a poor word choice.
Nonetheless!
For anyone to—volunteer—for a long term stay at our creepy chateau they would, of course, have to be dead. Surely you don’t want to die here in the Haunted Mansion.
Oh, that’s still quite a few hands.
In all seriousness, while it is possible that you may “pass on” while on the premises, it is a very—um—given the overall condition of this group – still a seemingly unlikely event. Our tour only runs for a total of nine minutes and I am confident you’ll all be able to escape with your faculties still intact.
Okay now all of you are now shaking your heads—and—coughing. Everyone is coughing—and—where did your masks go?!
Listen, to be completely honest, we don’t actually have room for any additional volunteers you rubes! 999 ghosts present in one mansion? Doesn’t that number seem just a bit high to you? Those cursed Imagineers decided to make this place a goddamn factory farm for the well-choreographed dead. You would think that one wouldn’t get cramped being a formless apparition, but like with every other idea that has led up to this interaction you’d be wrong. Where would we put you? Are you well-versed in ballroom dancing? Can you perform a séance? Have you aggressively attacked someone with a hatchet? No? Well, that’s fine because even if you did we already have all of those roles filled! You could have picked the Teacups or the now more racially-sensitive Splash Mountain but no—you had to pick the one attraction here that holds onto your soul after you die. Well, this and It’s a Small World but only the real monsters spend their eternities there. We’ve been saving a special spot for Kissinger since ‘71.
I’m sorry, I just need a moment to center myself. Which is challenging given I do not have a physical shape. One more second. Alright.
For now, a carriage approaches to take you into the boundless realm of the supernatural. Let’s not lie to ourselves, we all knew it was a matter of time once you hopped on the monorail this morning. I will see all—well hopefully all of you in a bit. Try to enjoy our humble home. In the meantime, I have a call with our head of construction on potentially putting in an addition.