Ladies and gentlemen, my dear friends and fellow believers in Christ Almighty, I stand before you now with wonderful news. I’ve been your pastor for the last six years, and I’ve regularly preached the dangers of sins of the flesh. After recent events have come to light in our local newspaper, I am proud to say that I have overcome my own temptations and am now a better man for it.
As many of you may have heard, I was recently caught engaging in various sexual acts, including regular three-ways with other married men, during which I was typically the “Lucky Pierre.” That, fellow believers, is the colloquial term for the middle position, typically on his knees and covered in lubricant, both penetrating and being penetrated during the act.
As I’ve said many times, homosexuality is a sin, and I was drawn into this forbidden contact by the lure of the devil. It lasted for six straight years, during which I left my wife and children home alone on a daily basis and engaged in various types of intercourse with men from the neighboring county. It was a very difficult time for me, but I am proud to say that I have now overcome these urges!
I understand that many of you have seen photos of me barebacking a 90-year-old Korean man whilst atop a haystack. And I understand that many more of you have seen photos of me engaging in what is typically known as a circle-jerk with over a dozen other men in the back alley behind the church during last week’s Bake Sale for Christ. It was an extremely difficult moment in my life, and I am so proud to stand in front of you now and say that I’ve once again overcome these unholy temptations.
Now, I know that you all will continue to come on this journey with me, as I preach the gospel and teach you all the true meaning behind Christ’s words. After all, I’ve experienced firsthand the dangerous sway of the devil, and I’ve proven myself able to denounce his dark message. Whether it was my submissive leather-play with large Russian men or the time I was caught eating out a Mexican day-laborer in the closet of our charity warehouse last Tuesday, I have faced my demons head-on and I’ve risen above.
I hope I’ve proven to you how much I believe in the words of Jesus. I’ve forgiven the hateful journalists and photographers who documented my extramarital trysts, including the young woman who caught me performing oral on several oiled-up twinks, otters, and glitter-daddies last weekend. As Jesus would say, I’ve turned the other cheek.
And now, my dear followers, let’s open the Bible.