From: humanresources@nra.com
To: executiveboardlistserve@nra.com
Dear Members of the NRA Executive Board,
In the wake of March For Our Lives, the NRA is facing a new kind of opponent: kids who've experienced gun violence who also “get” social media.
Earlier this week, Parkland high school student Emma Gonzalez surpassed the NRA in Twitter followers; which just means we need to boost our social media skills to better bully 17-year-olds on the internet. After all, what good are thought-provoking statements such as “these students have no soul,” if it isn't the first thing a child sees in the morning when they open their laptop? Here at the NRA we want to threaten people under the legal voting age, but feel we must do it right to make a difference.
Below is the official NRA-approved guide for targeting our teenaged enemies on social media.
1. Tag Us!
First of all, please remember to “@” the NRA when delivering 140-character death threats to children whose lives have recently been in immediate danger. Every time you tag the NRA in your post, it boosts our platform and draws more eyeballs to our page.
We just changed our profile picture to this sexy logo that says “NRA” in the same font as the Expendables 2 movie poster, and we want the world to see how well we’re doing in spite of what a bunch of future college rejects want you to think.
2. Allow Passion to Drive Your Cyberbullying
Trolling trauma victims is not as easy as the liberal media makes it seem, and in order to successfully stomp out teenage activism, you must be in the trolling game for the right reasons.
Whether the image you photoshopped of David Hoggs, 17, with a Hitler mustache gets 2 likes or 2,000, you stand by your art. The hate that has the most impact comes from shareable content and the passion to undermine a national movement by targeting individual pre-college children. Remember, not everyone has the passion to prioritize lethal weapon sales over America’s youth.
3. Use Trendy Hashtags
Part of the reason these meddling kids are receiving so much support on social media is that they are using hashtags to cheat their way to the revolution. Things like #NEVERAGAIN trend on Twitter, and then all of a sudden more people start paying attention to a child’s right to learn Algebra safely.
Think about how you can boil down your political agenda and channel your desire to shut down minors who watched their friends die into a trendy slogan such as #NOBODYLIKESYOU, and other things that sound like something adults should say to children online.
4. Focus Your Efforts on Select Targets and DO NOT FOLD
You have to decide what your brand of harassment looks like, and commit to that niché. Then, instead of directing tweets to gun control activists in general, choose one student survivor from Parkland High School to direct all your entitlement and privilege onto. It’s not bullying if it feels important to you.
Find out which colleges rejected your target, and commission a mural of Emma Gonzalez ripping up the American Constitution in the student center. Start a Change.org petition to defund this year’s senior trip to Disney World so that they can only afford tickets to one park and that one park is Animal Kingdom. I mean, someone in the senior class is bound to have an allergy. Create a fake online email address claiming to be Cameron Kasky's PTA mom and lobby to remove sugary drinks from the vending machines in the cafeteria.
MAKE. THEIR. LIVES. HELL.
If these regional theater crisis actors have a right to threaten our freedom and our legacy, we have a right to start an online forum for students to submit their anonymous crushes and then leak those crushes to the whole school right before student council re-elections.
Did you know that David Hoggs doesn’t even have his driver's license? Do we really want to be listening to the voice of someone with only a permit? Maybe that’s a hashtag.
5. Schedule Posts in Advance
With the help of platforms like TweetDeck and HootSuite, you can now schedule your tweets tormenting traumatized minors in advance.
Be strategic with your timing. Hit them right before homeroom to ruin their day before it begins, or “@“ them in español on the day of the AP Spanish exam just to psych them out. #MUCHACHODIABLO. This is a skill that will be especially useful in the NRA’s long-term objectives as well. On an average day, about 96 Americans are killed by guns and we must take advantage of the free publicity when it strikes! This way, you can be ready with a drafted post to be fired off at innocent children the next time a national tragedy inevitably happens.
With these social media tips, we hope you'll feel newly confident about targeting teenage trauma victims from the safety of your living room. The only thing that stops a bad kid with a dream is a good fully grown adult with a Twitter account.
With no sense of irony,
NRA Human Resources